Monday, 12 December 2016

University Challenged: Volume Seventeen (12.12.16)

There was only one contestant I had my eyes on during tonight’s University Challenge, and that was Balliol Goldman.

Never before has a participant been so devoid of warmth and emotion, and that’s saying something. Those two qualities practically have their own tick boxes on the game show’s application form, though in Goldman’s case, he must have checked them with a Sharpie; the man was an unequivocal gimp.

See below for tonight’s Tweets; I can only apologise for the bullying, as usual.

Robinson - Cambridge Vs. Balliol - Oxford
8:02pm: Jeremy Paxman feels disdain for the other 7.4 billion people on the planet.

8:03pm: "Hi, I'm James Pinder and I'm studying what it's like to have the same size ears as Pob".

8:04pm: Goldman, not smiling when he gets the answer right. C*nt.

8:05pm: Pope. Suave.

8:06pm: Verghese's jumper looks like it's made up of tiny, tiny, tiny grey bricks.

8:07pm: Balliol Goldman speaks from his nose. His twitchy, twitchy nose.

8:07pm: Balliol Goldman has no lenses in his glasses.

8:08pm: Balliol Potts has a splendid head of hair.

8:09pm: Balliol Goldman has no life experience.

8:11pm: Imagine a slow-motion clip of Balliol Pope shaking his hair back to a Take My Breath Away soundtrack.

8:12pm: Robinson's Hodge keeps falling asleep.

8:14pm: Why do they know these things? They're so much younger than me. WHY DO THEY KNOW THESE THINGS?

8:14pm: Balliol Potts has his mum's hair.

8:16pm: I may not know as much as Goldman, but at least I can grow a beard.

8:18pm: Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. Smug. GOLDMAN.

8:19pm: Verghese's jumper is made of grey bricks; Pinder's is made of red bricks.

8:21pm: Balliol Goldman has never experienced an alcoholic drink.

8:23pm: I like Pinder and Hodge. I'm not sure about the rest.

8:24pm: Balliol Pope is played by Patrick Marber.

8:26pm: Balliol Goldman's bedroom wall is plastered with posters of mathematicians and philosophers.

8:26pm: Balliol Goldman was formed in a petri dish.

8:28pm: Each time Goldman wrinkles his nose, I get unreasonably angry.

8:30pm: Paxman is looking forward to seeing more of Balliol Oxford. Paxman and I agree to differ.

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