mostly david ephgrave

Today we buried my dad's ashes at the church in Woolmer Green where we had his funeral, opposite his old school and the pub he drank in regularly, in the same grave as his parents. The service was brief but pleasant, in the presence of his close family, and I had the responsibility of lowering the casket at the opportune moment. Doing this was hard, inevitably, but it also meant a lot to be the one to do it, and I hope it would give me dad comfort to know the task went to me; I love and miss him unceasingly and he's always on my mind (look out, Willie Nelson), and he told me not long before he died that I made him less afraid, so I hope I helped. There's one conversation we had in his last few weeks that was pertinent. Like many men, we didn't express the depth of our feelings until the last moment, but they could still be summed up in a few words. At the time, my heart ached as we navigated difficult topics knowing there wouldn't be a second chance. But I ...

I'm trying to find a little pocket of calm in a difficult time of change. It isn't easy. I have to accept I won't be able to reason with the person at the root of it because they're in denial. So I have to come to terms with their behaviour again. I now know this was inevitable, but it's still upsetting, particularly when I consider how quickly they apparently decided to abandon me for good. I miss my dad: the other day, I had a crisis and my first thought was to ring him for advice, then I remembered a beat later this wasn't possible. Coming to terms with the fact the conversation's over is such a horrible part of grief; I get out of a friend's car at the same spot he used to drop me off at and he's on my mind; I reach the end of a pack of coffee filters I bought when he was still alive and have the morbid thought that he went first. The other night I had a dream about him, and it was only the next day that I realised it wasn't the f...

It's only over the past few days that the fact I'm not in Edinburgh has started to tug at the heartstrings. It doesn't help that everything's resoundingly shit at the moment and that's no understatement; so much so, the fact I had to cancel my Fringe run having shelled out thousands of pound's worth of donations and Dad's/my money for no reason has become a minor footnote to my terrible situation; at any other time, this last-minute change of plans and what it stood for - being forced to abandon a year of work - would be the overriding event, but here it's barely significant. When this eventually stops being something I feel forced to keep to myself, I might at least have the relief that comes with understanding; I had every intention of still going to Edinburgh right up to a few days before when someone's actions were such I felt I no longer had a choice. And they're yet to even acknowledge I didn't go, which says a lot by omission....

I'm struggling a little with my meditation at the moment. For a few years, I've meditated almost daily, though admittedly, I've fallen off a bit recently. Perhaps that's the problem, although I think it's only part of it. While the motivation for meditation's often to calm the mind and ease stress and suffering, most teachers suggest not seeking goals; if a byproduct of your practice is a quieter mind then great, but if it isn't, that's fine too. The aim is to accept what's happening at the present moment and move on.  The reason I do it is to create space; for me, it's a breather. It's so easy to allow things to build to the point where you can't see the wood for the trees, and it's then I tend to step away from what I'm doing for ten minutes or so to restore clarity; it's not about creating false serenity so much as returning to now. Sometimes, distraction plagues your head, and when it does, you're meant to acknow...

I suspect it’s going to be slightly harder to book at least the first half of next year’s Mostly Comedy season than usual. For one, we’ve had a lot of high profile people play the club for the first time this year, plus a handful of extra gigs with which to use acts up. Our main setback though will be the fact a large percentage of the performers I’d usually turn to are out on tour next year and therefore unlikely to take on club gigs. I suppose the best way to look at it is there are only really twelve shows that officially make up our Hitchin season, not including any extra dates we might slip in should an exciting act become available, plus those Edinburgh previews that’ll potentially make up another Mostly Comedy Festival in July at a time of year when always a lot of interest. Whatever the case, I’ll be happier when the first few line-ups are confirmed as at least then the seal is officially broken and we’re on our way; I just want the odd hug...