mostly david ephgrave

…and so Week Three of the Great British Bake Off came and went. This week, the contestants tackled baking bread, thus playing entirely into Paul Hollywood’s strengths and expertise; he’s never someone who doesn’t look totally at ease, but if there was a time for him to be more than a little smug (a little?) it was today. I could have imagined it, but I’m sure his beard was even more neatly trimmed in tribute. See below for my live tweets while watching this week’s show. If nothing else, they pass the time. 8:01pm: I'll be tweeting about bread for a bit. Apologies to the uninterested. 8:01pm: It's Bread Week (in tribute to Carla Lane). 8:04pm: Tom kind of looks like someone / everyone. 8:05pm: Paul: "How much butter have you got in there?" Candice: "250". Two hundred and fifty butters. 8:07pm: Paul Hollywood's glare has one of two undercurrents: (1) "I will destroy you." (2) "I wanna sex you up." ...

One thing The Crystal Maze proved is that it's never easy to complete a task with a group of people watching from a window, shouting dubious advice. Appearing on the show must have been an exercise in patience. I would have been just seconds into my first game before screaming at the other contestants to 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'. Either that, or I'd have crouched in the corner, sobbing uncontrollably. Completing a brainteaser is never simplified with an audience, particularly one that insists on stating the bleeding obvious. It’s worse when you know that no-one had met before filming. They're not friends egging each other on, but strangers, hell-bent on securing an adventure holiday. It’s survival of the fittest. Weak links had to be sniffed out quickly. (Did the winners all go on holiday together? Imagine the awkwardness.) All that unhelpful shouting must have made it difficult to concentrate. You’d also have to blank out Richard O’Brien’s harmon...