mostly david ephgrave

I’m currently sat in near-total darkness, except for the light from my computer screen and a couple of battery-powered lamps, due to what I hope is a power-cut and not the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it, thanks to the collapse of the National Grid. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days swapping sexual favours for tins of expired dog food (the favour being a promise not to have sex with the person in question) so I have sustenance to live; or building a barricade around my flat with our furniture to then take turns on keeping watch with my wife in case some renegade punk with a grudge wants to plunder our shizz (I don’t know what any of that means either). I’m not cut out for a fight for survival: I get out-of-breath walking uphill. If this is Armageddon, my immediate problem is my cat, who’ll probably attempt to eat me if I so much as fall asleep. That’s a risk I’ve faced ever since we got her, to be fair, but it’s far worse when the flat’s pitch-blac...

The journey to the station this morning felt like 'Attack of the Secondary-schoolkid Zombie Apocalypse'. Everywhere I looked, teenage drones lurched toward the road; a sea of identically-uniformed nearly-adults with impractically over-lacquered hairstyles and a lack of spatial awareness. Thank God I was in a taxi. If I hadn’t been, they’d have swarmed and subsumed me as one of their own. I’d have come out the other side looking like one of the younger cast-members of The Inbetweeners. Imagine that. It made me wonder where they all came from (their parents’ house) and where they were going to (school). They were a frightening sight en masse. I’ve never seen so many moody-faced people dressed in blue. Who says it’s a neutral, calming colour? I was on my way into London for my first audition of the year. It was a reasonably good start. Nobody was harmed in the process. The only shock was discovering how much the train fare had gone up:...