mostly david ephgrave

I couldn’t order a hot drink at my local pub restaurant tonight because there was “a twenty-five minute wait on tea”. I’d suggest they need to buy a new kettle. Either that, or keep it closer to the bar. The only time I’d expect this delay would be if they handpick their leaves from a plantation with a ten-minute commute. The time frame was very specific. Not twenty minutes, or thirty, but twenty-five. This suggests past-history, or an antiquated tea-making procedure. Do they wait for the water to heat naturally? Do they warm it over a flint-lit fire? Do they have a travel kettle? If it takes them this long to make tea, imagine the wait for food. The pub is five minutes’ walk from my flat. I could have forward-rolled home, made tea, drunk it and backward-rolled back with time to spare. This is a challenge I’d be willing to accept.

Where would we be without instructions? I had no idea that I was making tea incorrectly. I didn't know about these three simple steps. Think of all the people I have made a cup for in the past; each one quietly seething as they pretended to sip politely.     I didn't know you had to yank the drawstring out at such a jaunty angle, while holding the teabag like a magician doing a card trick. There's definitely some sort of conjuring involved. The string has split in the middle. How is it staying taut? It must be done with magnets.  I'm not sure why you have to hold your hand in a pincer shape while waiting for the tea to brew. Isn't this irrelevant? It looks like one of those claw-cranes you get in amusement arcades.    The illustration peters out before it reaches the arm. Why? They've already drawn the difficult bit.     It must be very hard to pour water in a forked formation (though it would save time when mak...