mostly david ephgrave

Lest there be any doubt about the potential sexiness of the clown shoes I bought today on the Internet… How many people queried whether they were designed for adult use - in the euphemistic sense of the word - for it to need be stated so clearly? There must have been more than one. Either way, the clarification makes no sense, as eroticism is in the eye of the beholder. The owners of eBay can’t tell me what to think; damn them and there lower-case / upper-case ways. The bigger question in the air, no doubt, is why I was buying the shoes in the first place. Thankfully, I have an alibi (or an al-eBay) in that they're a prop for my artwork for Edinburgh, which will have a subtle clown theme (if there was ever such a thing). Consequently, I also bought a jumbo bowtie too, which was the last of my outsized purchases, though I might buy a bulb horn tomorrow, thus completing the set. If all else fails, at least I’ll have a career fall-back; I’ve r...

The only things I’ve ever bought on eBay are a kangaroo suit and a gimp mask. I should explain before you think they were for something nefarious. They're both props. The mask was for a sketch and the skin costume was for a script reading; click here - and see below - for proof. A marsupial, Michael Barrymore and me. Despite having an alibi, my eBay history concerns me. I don’t like the impression it creates. I wouldn’t trust someone who’s purchased that and nothing else. Do eBay have a panic button? If so, I wonder what third item would result in a custodial sentence. What if GCHQ are putting together a profile of me? I’d hate my ownership of a leather face garment and a marsupial outfit to affect my job prospects. I suppose it could be worse. I could have bought this too. That is the most terrifying fancy dress costume on the planet. Still. Free delivery.