mostly david ephgrave

It was a clear measure of my self-control that I left Pets at Home today without a guinea pig. It wouldn’t have been the first time I'd come out with an impromptu pet. My flat has previously acted as an ark to a pair of zebra finches and Russian dwarf hamsters, and is currently home to two budgies and a cat. I also live with my wife, but she doesn’t count as livestock, except for when we go through passport control. It's the cheapest way for her to leave the country. I love having animals around me. They’re good for the soul. I may not take my beast appreciation as far as Brian Blessed (who lives with two thousand of them; two thousand ! ), but I’ll always have a pet or two around the house. They don’t ask for much, save food and attention, and they’re almost always pleased to see you. Except for cats, who often look at you with disdain, but I like to think I can see through it. Guinea pigs are the next four-legged creature on my se...

I have a casting this afternoon, despite having almost completely lost my voice. Thankfully, this shouldn’t be a problem, as the part doesn’t have any dialogue. At least, that’s what the breakdown implies. You can never be certain about what they'll throw at you; I may arrive to find they expect me to give my King Lear. (Not that I have a King Lear to give in the first place. I learnt one of Edmund’s speeches at college, but that’s about it.) Even if I don’t have to speak in the casting, it’ll still be awkward. Just giving my name on the door will provoke confusion. I baffle people at the best of times; imagine what it will be like now my voice resembles a cross between Phyllis from Coronation Street and Linda Blair in The Exorcist. I promise not to do anything inappropriate with a crucifix. THE AFTERMATH. I’m pleased to report that the casting went well, despite my aural similarity to Rod Stewart. There weren’t ...