mostly david ephgrave

If there's one thing a quick flick through my blogs from the last few days reveals it's that I need to stop writing just before bed, as that's when the gibberish bug bites me most often and I end up writing a load of nonsense. It's embarrassing to see the rubbish I've written while attempting to work through my tiredness. I don't know why I insist on doing it as it seldom results in anything good, and it's also not an enjoyable process; if I start writing after a certain point I'll just end up chasing the clock and that's not fun for anyone, be they the reader or the writer.  I find this blog goes through cycles; flitting from being a useful place to vent my frustrations or make positive observations, to just being a weight around my neck. When I was up in Edinburgh, for example, it was surprisingly easy to write every day despite the inevitable monotony of the festival, but since I've been home it's not been fun at all; it's become a...

Today I reached that inevitable point of the Fringe where frustration and exhaustion bubbles to the surface and you feel irritable and - put simply - want to go home. That’s not to say I’m not enjoying being here or that I'm unhappy with my show - it’s actually quite the opposite - but however you feel about what you’re doing or how it’s going, bringing a self-produced solo show to Edinburgh is pretty much the dictionary definition of testing your stamina and everyone has their boiling point; I’m glad I have a day off on Monday, so I can regroup for the metaphorical final push. My negative mindset was kicked off by today’s show, which was one of the busiest I’ve had, yet didn’t gel. There were some nice moments and a few happy faces, but try as I might, I couldn’t get much of a vocal reaction, so I was left with little time to breathe. It’s not that people weren’t enjoying it; they just weren’t an audience for big laughs, which was badly timed ...

Today’s show had just to two real people in, plus my new flyerer (who’s a real person too) who unfortunately had to leave before the end; something I was sure to mention at the beginning, so the two genuine punters didn’t think she was walking out. It was once again a lovely show and the pair in were very receptive, but of course it’s frustrating to do a good one and have so few people see it. Basically, I’m falling victim to a terrible start-time, as when I arrive there’s essentially no-one about, but when I leave the venue at 13:20pm, The Caves is bustling with people going to watch the mixed bill show Afternoon Delights or some such. I sincerely hope this picks up, as I don’t want a show I’m proud of that’s starting to settle despite a difficult genesis (like Phil Collins' stroppy band) to be seen by next-to-nobody and to just get a single and largely inaccurate write-up, like the one from The List that popped up yesterday, which bizarrely s...

Having finished the John Grisham book A Time to Kill only a few days ago, which I really enjoyed, I've already set to work on its follow-up, Sycamore Row.  As I wrote the other day, it's nice to be back on a bit of a reading streak; there's little more relaxing than being in the grip of a satisfying book. While I've always been an active reader, I sometimes get out of the habit, particularly with fiction, though I don't know why really; perhaps it's because any time I spend not writing makes me feel guilty, which is a ridiculous motivation when I should be doing it because I enjoy it. It doesn't help that I keep leaving writing my blog until late in the day, which is the worst and least productive time to do it. This is something I mean to address, to prevent it from morphing into a clumsy diary, which it feels like at the moment; yesterday's post was crap, for example, though that was mainly due to tiredness; all the more reason to find an earlier tim...

It may be blindingly obvious unless you’re not an animal lover, but having a cuddle with a cat can be very good for your mood. For the last few days I’ve been feeling a little defeated, which is a thought I’ve tried to not become to attached to, as the intensity of the last few weeks in Edinburgh will inevitably leave me drained and with my positivity frankly zapped (not to be confused with the musician who fronted the Mothers of Invention and had a similar name). My approach to this is as it was when I was in Scotland: to surround myself with things that I enjoy and give me a sense of normality, to not fill my day with too much, but to make sure I meditate regularly; usually once in the morning and once before bed. One thing I turn to to keep my mood on an even keel is to watch and listen to the programmes that make me laugh without fail; most recently Hancock’s Half Hour, The Simpsons, Peep Show and Everybody Loves Raymond. Of these four ...

I’m currently feeling that inevitable lack of a sense of purpose that comes with finishing a big thing and not quite knowing what to next. I know I shouldn’t dwell on this for too long, as it’s probably tiredness that’s feeding it more than anything, and I’m entitled to a break, but I’m never very comfortable with stopping what I’m doing for long; I’ve been so busy for the last month particularly that it’s bound to feel weird to suddenly not be performing every day or focusing my attention so heavily on the mechanics of my show, but there’s still the slight feeling of anticlimax; it’s not like I was expecting anything big to come from Edinburgh, but I would still like things to step up a gear following it; I just need the right kind of person to represent me and steer me in a positive direction. Today wasn’t particularly work-heavy regardless, as it was mostly taken up with cat-sitting for my neighbour, though I was pleased to see my two Leicester Square Theatre dates go o...

I ended up not doing a show today, which in a perverse way felt like a bit of a treat. I was talking to my technician Michael moments before we opened the house about how the intensity of a run on the Fringe would be easier to withstand with a day off a week. While it’s fair to say I’ve started every day tired for at least a week now, my energy tends to kick into gear once I get to the venue, but today was the first time I needed a fifteen-minute power-nap before leaving my digs, as the results of a month of early starts had finally caught me up. I don’t think anyone is built to withstand so many shows without a break; it doesn’t really happen like this in many other instances outside of Edinburgh - and yet so many of us return year after year, trying to achieve the nearly impossible act of doing a twenty-five-ish day straight, and wonder why we come out the other side shattered and prone to low mood; even the Lord Almighty created the Earth with a...

I like my packs of electrical tape to include a heart-warming family scene. What’s more likely to bring mother, father and child together than the task of insulating electric cables? It’s a skill that’s been passed from generation to generation, stretching back to when we first harnessed the colossal power of…well...”power.” Maybe the picture is intended as a metaphor for the physical bond the tape can bring, which like a strong family unit, will never be wrenched apart. Or perhaps I'm over-thinking it; I certainly have previous form in this department. Today’s been a long day, which is probably why I’ve spent the first few paragraphs of this post talking about LX tape. The show was a little frustrating, in that I couldn’t seem to get the room to relax to the point that they felt able to laugh out loud. It wasn’t that they weren’t enjoying it, but it felt like they were either a little self-conscious due to the relatively low numbers, or perhaps it all fel...

I’m managing to still enjoy myself at the Fringe at this late stage, which feels like a triumph when I consider the emotional roller-coaster of some of my previous fringe experiences. That’s not to say I’m not tired, frustrated and often riddled with self-doubt, as this is all par-for-the-course. At point of writing I’ve only had one reviewer in - who came today in fact - and a nonplussed agent, and am starting to wonder if this might be my lot, but despite any perceived setbacks, my mood has been predominantly good; I’m still having fun performing and haven’t gone dead behind the eyes or resorted to phoning it in just yet, which is great when I know how susceptible to these things I can be. Staying well at the Fringe is delicate balancing act that can easily topple to wrong way if not kept gently in check. Even discussing it can feel like a risk. The trick for me has been to not take it too seriously and to keep the festival at arm’s length. I’m e...

Today’s show was a good one, which I was pleased about, as (1) I didn’t sleep well last night and (2) I had some friends in. Last night, I couldn’t switch my brain off. I usually listen to a guided meditation to assist falling asleep, which is always very helpful, but I should have known from the off it wasn’t going to do the trick yesterday when I spent a good ten minutes trying to set a level that didn’t make my phone buzz with the vibration of the recording, thus irritating me instead of helping me relax. It took me at least an hour to finally go under and I then woke up very early too, which isn’t exactly a winning combination. Part of the problem was I was very aware of having friends watching today and wanted to be well-rested for the show. Then, when I didn’t fall asleep quickly, I started to panic; what if I don’t get off at all? This is what happens when you get this far into a run and start over-thinking things. For me, each show is as important as the next, but ...

Today’s audience was tiny, relatively speaking, with just four in, but they were on board from the beginning - thank God - so the low numbers didn’t matter. Like I said yesterday, the size of an audience doesn’t necessarily correlate with the success of the gig, as some of the smallest crowds can be the most responsive, though this depends on how self conscious that small crowd is; today’s were there to have a good time, fortunately, and kept joining in, which can turn to anarchy if not kept subtly in check, but thankfully it didn’t get too messy, though my diction was a little sloppy due to tiredness. Tomorrow’s my day off, which couldn’t come at more opportune time as I’m starting to feel the strain of the relentlessness of it all; the last few days have seen me wake up later, and today particularly found me struggling to get my brain in gear; I felt shattered while setting up and hoped I wouldn’t have to be on my toes too much for the show, as I...

I’m getting to the point now Fringe-wise where I could do with a little break. Today’s show was good, though the reaction was a little early morning-ish compared to the last few days, which isn’t surprising considering it starts at midday and we're only midweek. It’s easy for me to forget my show is almost certainly the first one people will have seen that day and their heads may not have adjusted to watching stand-up yet. How often do you watch shows at noon in normal life? The earliest you’re most likely to see is a mid-afternoon matinee, and the reaction to those is often pretty flat; I’ve always advised people against coming to see matinees of productions I’ve been in in the past. It was a shame today was a little quiet as I had my PR in, and you always want people you know to see your show at its best; that said, I’m being hypercritical as it was still a good one; it’s probably just my tiredness speaking. What’s great is my wife co...

Most of today has been spent with my cat on my lap. In many ways, it’s been pretty eventful, it’s just that most of these events took place within a five metre radius. I managed to fit in some writing and a little rehearsal of some new material and caught up on admin. I finally had the time to read the latest issue of Private Eye, which I’ve carrying around with me for a few days, but haven’t had the chance to get to grips with it. The furthest I stepped from the sofa was to take out the recycling and do a litte housework; other than that, I’ve been my cat's human cushion for the rest of the day; it’s almost hard to tell where she ends and I begin. I think my cat’s had a nice day too. She’s been asleep for the majority, save and hour or so, when I decided to feed her wet food as a treat. Every time she pops into the kitchen she’d just as sooner come back and sit on me; it seems I’m currently in her good books, though it remains to be seen how long this will last. ...

Today, I’m feeling the tiredness of a person who had very little sleep last night. To be fair, I kind of brought it on myself. While I had Mostly Comedy yesterday, I actually didn’t get home that late - say about 1am - but after staying up to write my blog over a cup of tea and a cuddle from the cat, one thing led to another and it was suddenly pushing 3am and I still hadn’t gone to bed. The thing is, I don’t like to go to bed straight away after coming in from a show. I’m usually too wired to sleep, so purposely stay up to unwind for a bit with a book or by watching an episode of The Simpsons; it’s important to have some down time, rather than just rushing from one thing to the next. Today, I’ve been paying for my stupidly late night. So, I won’t stay up too long now writing this. I cancelled my plans to meet a friend in London, as I knew I wouldn’t be exactly sparkling company, which was a shame, but we’ll hopefully reschedule for next week. It’s always best to not do too much the da...

It’s official: at time of going to press, I only have two Edinburgh shows left. It’s strange to finally be at a point on the calendar I almost never thought I’d reach. Many’s the time I’d look at the wall planner in Glyn’s and my office, scan my eyes over August and think I’d never get a show together in time for it, let alone reach the end of the run. It was the cause of fear, self-doubt and anxiety on and off from the moment I decided to go to Scotland to do my first solo Edinburgh run; now it’s nearly over, those feelings have been replaced with pride and even a little faith in my own ability - though like any performer, my insecurities haven’t left completely. In a strange way, as I’ve got more tired over the last week or so, my show's become more enjoyable. I play with the material a darn sight more than I did a few weeks back. Today was a case in point, when a slightly older, quieter contingent to the audience needed constant cajoling to ...

Today was a strange day in that it took in a lot of highs and lows, with me feeling just about every emotion from happiness, to relief, to anxiety and illness (which is apparently now a psychological state). I went to the venue this morning, a little on edge, on the back of the last two shows having gone so well. Being a pessimist, this made me suspicious; “Surely by law of averages, the next one must be bad?” Amazingly, it didn’t. There were only four people in, but they were lovely throughout, despite there being a good chance they could be intimidated into silence by a performer eyeballing them throughout. My voice was still tired, but I had slightly more to play with than the previous day, and even managed to hold the long note at the end of the show without warbling and cracking like on Saturday. I walked back to my digs feeling elated, but no sooner had I got back, than my mood completely dropped. I think this comes from the nervous e...

I nearly didn’t do my show today, because the door to my venue has a coded lock which had fallen shut and no-one knew the combination. Various staff-members tried to force the door open, firstly with a credit card, before trying to wiggle the catch free with a blunt knife, closely followed by a sharp one. This was the tensest moment of all, as one false move and someone would end up in A&E with a stab wound; while I wanted the show to go ahead, I didn’t want it to be at the expense of somebody’s life. Just as we were about to give in, a guy (who for some undisclosed reason was covered in face paint) ran up to the door and punched in three numbers and we were in ; perhaps he was some kind of a low-level superhero, which would explain the heavy make-up. High security. The show itself wasn’t a favourite, as I couldn’t find my rhythm. This was mainly due to tiredness. It's frustrating though, as I hate doing a bad job, but then some days at the Fringe are going t...

I’ve hit a bit of a wall today, as regards my tiredness and my mood. My show went well this morning, despite the small audience. I shouldn’t begrudge their size, as I’m lucky to have them, when I’m up against such stiff competition. I arrived at the venue, feeling depressed and downcast, purely due to tiredness. As a result, I came off-stage after the show and pulled a face at my techie Fraser and said, “That was hard work,” to which he replied, “You’re joking, aren’t you? That was your best show yet.” This illustrates perfectly how much your mindset can colour and confuse your perspective of what you're doing.   After the gig, I went back to my digs for lunch and to tidy up a bit before my wife arrives tomorrow, and after eating, I promptly fell asleep. Thankfully, I had the foresight to set my alarm first, as I wouldn’t want to not wake up in time to tech Fraser’s show ( go and see it; it’s excellent ). Thankfully, my phone didn’t fail me - and so I’m now sitting i...

Tonight, I had a really nice night off.  I met with my friend Stephen for a drink and a catch-up which, while inevitably touching on the subject of the Edinburgh Festival and my recent cancelled previews, wasn't overshadowed by it. While i've still got so much to do, primarily on an administrative level, I can't spend every second thinking of it; I'm entitled to a bit of a break.  The best part of the evening was when we sat in Hitchin's town square (confusingly called the Market Place) enjoying tapas outside the Pitcher & Piano, at the point when the heat wasn't so unbearable as to be uncomfortable. It was at that moment that I briefly felt like I was on holi day in some far-flung location, rather than in he centre of a Hertfordshire town. It was the first time we'd met for one of our mythical OMPCs (or 'Old Man Pub Crawls') since Stephen has become a Hitchin resident. Even though he'd often give me a lift home on his way to Stevenage, it ...

Tonight, I’m staying in a hotel with practically the same postcode as my flat, to mark my second wedding anniversary. I should clarify that I’m not here on my own; my wife's with me too. It’s a nice, reasonably high-end place (despite being a Travelodge in a past life) with a generous balcony and some well-stocked tea and coffee-making facilities. It even has a walk-in wardrobe, in the sense that you could step in there should you so choose to, but you wouldn’t want to hang about. It’s good to have a break from home. The only frustrating thing was we checked into our room five hours after it was available, because I had work to do for tomorrow and Saturday’s shows. I didn’t like being in my office, knowing I could have been in a nice hotel room that we’d paid for to have a little time to ourselves. This was unavoidable though, as the more I got done today, the better-prepared I’ll be tomorrow. I’m very tired this evening, thanks to a late finish after last night’s gi...