mostly david ephgrave

It was with much sadness – or possibly relief – that I resigned my gimp mask to the bin today. Yes, that’s right, my gimp mask. I own a gimp mask. Actually, I’ll rephrase that: I owned a gimp mask. Until today. When I resigned it to the bin (see above). Before you start to worry, I’d like to reassure you that I didn’t buy it for sexy reasons; nor did I purchase it to keep my face toasty on those cold winter nights. It was acquired as a prop for a Doggett and Ephgrave sketch (which at time of writing has received a measly seventy-eight views on YouTube) and has lived in my flat ever since; a largely unseen one minute and fifty-three seconds of comedy that led to me storing an item that made me uncomfortable each time I saw it – which wasn’t often, as it was usually on my head. In January, I had cause to breathe a sigh of relief, when a friend who lives in Wales asked to borrow it for a fancy dress party (these being the sort of people I knock about with). I cou...

They say that Christmas is a time to think of those in need. Bearing this in mind, I’ve yet to see anyone in a more desperate situation this festive season than this pair: "You better watch out..." I spotted them outside a beauty salon in Hitchin this morning. I assume they were put there with the intention of enticing people in. Either that, or the staff hoped their clientele would be too terrified to leave the premises once they’d seen them. At first glance they appear to be the epitome of Christmas cheer. Then you notice their mangled legs and the horror of their situation becomes apparent. What if they come to life like Kim Cattrall did in the Eighties? One can only imagine the hideousness of their gait; a lifetime of physiotherapy couldn't put that right. It certainly doesn’t seem like much time was taken over their decoration. Perhaps they were dressed at gunpoint? I hope their staff put more effort into a ma...