mostly david ephgrave

Tonight's evening in the Ephgrave household (flat) consisted of eating cheese and biscuits – like the aspirational middle-class people we are – and watching Strictly – like our inner Plebeians. See below for the usual Twitter-based nonsense; how much sense it makes out of context is up to interpretation.            6:55pm: Len could at least have the decency to get up off his seat. 6:56pm: "Singer and loose woman, Jamelia." 7:00pm: By being on TV tonight, Gleb just made fifteen million female viewers pregnant. 7:01pm: We've all seen Gleb in the park on a Saturday night, haven't we? HAVEN'T WE? 7:03pm: Bruno's 'Gleb / park' quip may have been an invitation. 7:07pm: Jay's dance started with some serious chest-thrusting-out-in-a-waistcoat action. 7:10pm: He missed Hans at the end? I must have missed Hans too. 7:10pm: Jay's neckwear: tie of a cravat? You decide. 7:12pm: Jay's compass tat...

I had plans for my morning, until I saw they were discussing Jamelia's 20 Favourite Love Songs on 4Music. How could I leave home and miss the chance to glean such essential information? If I did, I’d spend the rest of the day on edge. I’d be out for breakfast with my wife, there in body, not in spirit. My mind would be reeling with potential choices and their rankings. By bedtime, I’d be a gibbering wreck. The following day, I’d scour the TV listings for news of the show’s next broadcast. I’d search the internet for a comprehensive list. If all else failed, I’d contact the programme’s production company and Jamelia’s agent in the hope that either one could fill me in. I wouldn’t rest until I knew which twenty love songs the lovely Jamelia loved the best. It doesn't matter that her choices were probably restricted to what music videos were available. It's irrelevant that I only vaguely know who Jamelia is.  It’s the way I am: I’m a completest. If there’s a co...