mostly david ephgrave

I'll breathe a sigh of relief when Trump leaves the White House tomorrow (presumably throwing a handful of smoke pellets to the floor so he can sneak out before Biden's Inauguration).  My heart sank when he won the 2016 election. I was staying at Center Parcs on the day they announced it, so my pretty surroundings at least cushioned the blow, though I couldn't look the bald eagle in the eye at the bird of prey demonstration I attended that afternoon. Four years yawned ahead like a tetanus-fuelled bout of lockjaw while my face resembled a cross between Edvard Munch's The Scream and Macauley Culkin after applying aftershave in Home Alone. It's hard to imagine a person less suited to the job of President; something that only played out during his time in office, to be compounded by the storming of Capitol Hill that his outright lies stoked last week. The only person Donald J Trump cares about is Donald J Trump; that's very J evident. But that's only a fraction ...

Trump's right about one thing: if you inject yourself with disinfectant, you won't die of coronavirus. I just watched a three-minute chunk of his recent COVID-19 task force briefing, in which he expounds his homespun, yet dangerous theories, then when called out by a journalist on the risk his riffing presents, jumps straight to his fake news bullshit and, frankly, I'm terrified. I know we know he's a fantasist with little aptitude for connecting his brain to his mouth before speaking, but for fuck's sake. He's the president of the most powerful country on the planet, and yet his recklessness doesn't border but crosses over to insanity, and this arrogance and ignorance could kill. Three years he's been office now, and it's beyond a joke. He's unstable, and he certainly isn't a genius. I wouldn't be surprised if someone cuts up his dinner for him, and forks it into his tiny, tiny mouth with a cry of, "Here comes the Air Forc...

One thing we learnt from Donald Trump's announcement that he was declaring a National Emergency to fund his fear-mongering wall: his favourite note is Bb. Mexico border wall: Trump defends emergency powers move. He hits the note eight times in the video clip accompanying the article above on the BBC News website (from 44 seconds onwards), and then another five times in the speech that immediately follows it, which the BBC sadly edited out; his keenness to aim for that particular black note makes a firm case for Bb to become the official Key of Evil; that or the Key of Total Ignorance. Perhaps the thing that bugs me most about this puffy-faced giant satsuma of a man is the way he seems content to start every sentence with absolutely no idea where it's headed, preferring to just freestyle it and hope for the best. It's like he's unable to retain any information in that foolishly coiffed bonce of his, yet he doesn't see this as a setback; after all, the fewer stat...

Personally, I found the best way to cope with the shitstorm beginning in U.S. today was to avoid it entirely. If it were feasible, I’d switch off the news for the next four years and hope for the best. I can’t bear the thought of seeing his ignorant orange face. How was it even possible for a man barely capable of finishing a cogent sentence to end up in the White House? How many faux pas (to put it lightly) must he be responsible for, for the people who voted for him to see sense? Well done, America: you out-Brexited Brexit. Thankfully, outside of the odd post on Twitter and on the BBC News website, I managed to avoid the inauguration. My day was spent doing banking for Mostly Comedy, meeting my mum and watching the Partridge film Alpha Papa. The latter was just what the doctor ordered, to use a tired cliché. When things are bad, it pays to scale it all down and seek enjoyment in the little things. Speaking of little things: I hope his hands are t...