mostly david ephgrave

I plan to commit a crime so terrible, my house will one day be referred to as "The Old Ephgrave Place". I want kids to dare each other to touch my front door (which isn’t a euphemism) and to devalue the properties either side of me. I want whole websites dedicated to the ins and outs of the horrors that went on at my eponymously monikered dwelling and for people to travel from all corners of the globe just to see where I lived. I’ve decided this is the best and most viable career move to take to increase my infamy as, after fifteen years out of drama school, I’m stretching the definition of “up and coming comedian” to the limit. There’s a fine line to attempting to create a backstory akin to Michael Myers while also sustaining your employability; I haven’t quite figured out the mechanics to it. Firstly, do I pick a crime that’ll result in a brief prison sentence and then resurrect my performing career afterwards, or do I just enough to lift my profile without be...

Tonight, for the second year running , I went to a screening of the stabby Shatner-mask-wearing horror classic Halloween, at the Prince Charles Cinema.  ‎The couple next to me consisted of a man who was clearly a huge fan of the franchise and his girlfriend, who'd never seen the film before. I would have liked to ask her what she thought of it afterwards, but they ran off before I got the chance; presumably to get a head start on any boiler-suited psychopaths in the Leicester Square vicinity. It would have been hard to spot them tonight, what with all the people in fancy dress. You couldn't move for slutty cats (the go-to outfit option for a Essex hen do). I saw one woman dressed as a sexy Mario from Super Mario Bros; a look that was as unsuitable for Halloween as it was confusing.   As with last year, it was great to see it on the big screen. I didn't get to watch it first time around, unfortunately, on account of being minus three. It's an excellent example of...

Last night, I went to a screening of Halloween at the Prince Charles Cinema; definitely the darkest film in Mike Myers’ oeuvre. He didn’t do his Scottish accent once: either as a fat, ginger man in a kilt or a tiny-eared ogre. In fact he barely spoke. He spent most of the film curb crawling and breathing heavily. Perhaps he was concentrating. I’m surprised the sound department didn’t dub this out. I guess this was due to the tight budget. Either way, I hope Mike had a chest x-ray as soon as he'd finished shooting. (In reality, I know the difference between Mike Myers, the comic actor, and Michael Myers, the fictional knife-wielding maniac. I’m misunderstanding it for comic effect. You can’t deny we’re having fun, though. Please. Don’t.) It was nice to see Halloween on the big screen with an audience. A film like this is best enjoyed as a group, rather than on your own in an empty house. We’ve all made that mistake. I was surprised everyone wasn't more ...