mostly david ephgrave

Where would we be without the text at the bottom of the screen in the Fixodent commercial? And there was me thinking it was a genuine event. I thought that women balanced on dentures all the time.  If I were asked whether eating a carrot or having someone stand in your mouth was most likely to cause your false teeth to come loose, I’d have opted for the latter if it weren’t for the writing; it’s a simple case of size and weight. Even when doing the double whammy: biting the vegetable would be the least cause for concern in this instance. Do we live in a world where this disclaimer was necessary? I can’t see the reality of the advert coming into question. They didn't need to cover their back in case of copycat incidents. It's like a takeaway coffee-cup with ‘caution: contents may be hot’ on the side, ramped up to infinity. You never find a person with a mouth span wide enough to fit it all in. As screenplays go, it hasn't got much...

Last night I dreamt a trailer for The One Show. Either my subconscious has reached its peak of dullness or the BBC are pumping adverts into my head. The commercial ran like a premonition (or a prelude to a 30-minute one). I didn’t visualise a TV. It was as if someone had jammed a SCART lead through my cerebral cortex. I hope no-one does that. It would wreak havoc with the pins. I can’t remember what they were trailing. I’m not sure who was their special guest. All I can see is Chris Evans and Alex Jones sitting on the sofa, talking to my soul. Thank God it wasn’t Matt Baker’s shift. That would be nightmarish. The dream must have been spurred on by the fact I saw some of yesterday’s show. They were interviewing Jeremy Paxman. The tension in the studio was palpable. Even his friendliest answers came across like accusations. They should've threatened to overrule him twelve times and see how he likes it.