mostly david ephgrave

My mood has been very low over the past few weeks as I try to express and process the scale of unaccountability of a relative who's caused so much pain for years, yet won't acknowledge or understand it. What's horrible is they've crossed so many lines throughout my life that amount to emotional abuse, but their disordered mindset won't let them recognise this. They seem to believe that any negative comment about them is unjustifiable even if you can prove it, and can't process criticism healthily, yet they'll act disrespectfully and dishonestly all the time expecting no ramifications. And they won't do anything you ask, however small, to put things right and make you feel better. The most destructive thing I'm coming to terms with is how they have no concept of how they compromised my childhood, and therefore impacted my adulthood too. I've spent years in therapy adopting strategies to cope with my past and process the dichotomy of a pers...

I'm adjusting to a world where the voice behind my frequently unhelpful self-editing is no longer in my arsenal. (No bum jokes here, please.) Pretty much every time I write, perform, tweet, speak or think, a part of my brain kicks in, assessing how a particular person in my life will react to it. I wish that were an exaggeration, but it's true. Admittedly, I'm internalising, but it's an act of self-protection as it was easier to run it past the fictional version of them than face the wrath of the real one. Now, albeit in the worst circumstances, I'm turning to a new dawn, where their view isn't relevant.  Doing this involves limiting exposure to both the imaginary and real voice; neither will be easy as they've been there forever, but as the years progressed, they became synonymous with being made to feel guilty at the expense of me. The relationship was imbalanced with more emphasis on making me feel bad for not living up to their expectations ...

There's a lot to be said for those little moments of laughter and support that intersperse the pain of reframing my life with a better understanding of my mistreatment. It's easy to focus on the negative and let it overwhelm you. And at the moment, the bad stuff's easily found. But I'm also adjusting to the realisation that the worst things I experienced weren't my fault. Genuinely. It was all part of a coercive situation I had no control over despite trying my best. Yesterday, I had a chat with my aunt to fill her in on the many twists and turns since my dad's burial (when we last spoke) as I tried to protect my dad's house. And it was a relief to find - amid the inevitably incredulous reaction - time to laugh at how stupid it all was and point out the transparently obvious motivation with all its requisite double-standards. Because she and my dad's brother can see what's happening. There was also time to chat about other unrelated things t...

I don't have the mental energy to write at the moment as recording my current situation is overwhelmingly repetitive and negative, and attempting anything comedic feels forced. It's been like this all year to an extent, although it worsened recently. I've been treading water, which I hate. Work has been stripped back to the bare bones and is mostly too much to contemplate. Meanwhile, negative events in my life are being reframed and debased, while my acts of support and forgiveness are forgotten. And I'm trying to navigate a situation I think anyone would struggle with, let alone when they're prone to mental illness. Perhaps the most commonly recurring lesson from therapy is you can't change the way other people act so much as how you respond to their actions, which I think is true. But, my God, that theory's being tested at the moment. Patience is the key, but it's devastating when the penny drops that you'll never be able to reason with th...