mostly david ephgrave

Today, I accidentally stopped a funeral procession at a pelican crossing. Was this a massive faux pas? By the time I’d spotted them, I’d already pressed the button. It was already too late. Grief had no place between me and the other side of the road. You don’t have right of way over a corpse every day. I didn’t like the fact that I’d had an impact on the running time of the ceremony. Suddenly, without warning, I was a part of their unhappy day. I hope they didn’t miss their slot. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience. It’s not as if they were travelling fast enough that I couldn’t cross in front of them without the assistance of traffic lights. Mourners by their nature don’t tend to travel fast. Either way, I’m sure they hated me. How dare I sneak in at the last minute when they’re trying to get the body to its final resting place? I’m nothing, if not inconsiderate. It could have been worse though: it could have been an ambulance. I’m not sure what would have happened t...

While having 518 Twitter followers is reasonably modest, imagine us all walking down the street. It would be a pedestrian nightmare that would rouse police interest. I’d look like a latter-day Pied Piper, with fewer pedophilic leanings. I say "fewer", when I of course mean "no". Or "none". The English language is confusing.   I probably wouldn't be able to be assimilated by a mountain, though I'm happy to give it a whirl. I'd run at it and hope for the best.  Picture all 519 of us - I’ve included myself - at a pelican crossing. We’d never get across in the allotted time. Also, who would press the button? I wouldn't do it; I don’t want to be responsible for everyone else. Unless we took out public liability insurance, but I’m not going to fund it. What it we went for a meal in a Harvester? They’d never seat us. It would take an eon for the staff to ask us all if we'd ever been before, and then we’d decimate the salad car...