mostly david ephgrave

If my careers advisor Mr Chilcott could see me browsing government websites to find out if a self-employed performer is eligible for any financial relief, he'd be laughing on the other side of his sepia-toned head, the fucking git. Yes, that's right: his bonce followed a strict, olde-worlde colour scheme like he'd been photographed on a Victorian filmstock; that, or he'd been forged from melted-down Olympic medals, with a bronze face, silver hair and gold glasses (think of the strength it took to nod it). And it wasn't just his head that was reminiscent of days of yore, as his brain followed outdated thought patterns too. Consequently, he told me that being an actor & musician wasn't a real job, and I should consider being a teacher instead. Well, in your jaundiced face , Mr Chilcott, as most teachers aren't working now too. Didn't see that coming, did you? Admittedly, they're protected by salaries, unions and the like, while all I'v...

This is it: MY 2016 EDINBURGH FRINGE SETTLEMENT IS IN . To anyone who suggests my comedy career is progressing slowly: I WAVE THIS IN YOUR FACE . Look at the figures and you can clearly see I’m winning; I’m nearly three quid up on the game. Take that, Mr Chilcott, Careers Advisor at Thomas Alleyne School; I can make my living as a performer (as long as somebody agrees to consolidate my debt). Admittedly, that £2.52 BACS payment doesn’t take into account every aspect of the cost of my recent EdFringe run; this is just the Box Office Settlement after the remaining half of my venue hire fee was paid off. There's still the accommodation, the brochure fee, the posters & flyers, the flyerers, the subsistence, the PR, the previews, the train tickets and the adverts to consider. But forget all that; I’ve done good. I can afford to buy 6.3 red peppers from Sainsbury's and live like a red-peppered king. Joking aside, thing did work o...