mostly david ephgrave

While writing my new show's progressing reasonably steadily, in my heart, I know it needs to be the last project I do alone for some time. I guess it was my choice - though it often doesn't feel like it - that most things I do now are self-generated, but they all leave me needing to draw on a reserve of self-belief that's fragile at best. I have to ignore so much negative reinforcement to keep going, which is hard when the personal problems I've suffered have much the same impact. The truth is that what I do is increasingly lonely, and isolation triggers the false narratives my past can dredge up. I think my abandonment issues are understandable, but it doesn't stop them from dragging me back. And recent events in my life have reinforced my lack of self-worth, making it harder to ignore them. I didn't deliberately set out to be a solo performer. I was in a band and a double act and sought healthy collaboration. And while being an actor inevitably requires forgin...

Today, I took part in my first online group meditation session via the video conferencing app Zoom (which is very much the app of the moment). It happened to start in the nick of time as I received an email from Just the Tonic seconds before to inform us off-the-record that this year's Edinburgh Fringe was cancelled. I knew it was unlikely to go ahead with the COVID-19 situation as it is, but it's still a blow that's hard to compute; particularly when I lost last year's Fringe to circumstances beyond my control too. The meditation session itself was great. My old meditation teacher Neelam led us through it with finesse. I'd booked to attend their in-person meditation classes this term, but hadn't been along, so the video version was a welcome diversion. There were fifteen of us taking part and a real sense of solidarity despite our enforced isolation as we followed Neelam's instructions; he has a wonderful turn of phrase that helps you see your prac...