mostly david ephgrave

I’ve grown bored of University Challenge of late, yet I still for the most part watch and live-tweet it. Part of the problem stems from feeling the BBC are currently getting Quizzy Monday wrong (in the much same way Alan Partridge expressed anger at Lynn, Michael and Michael’s friend Tex for getting James Bond wrong); Only Connect always felt like the sorbet dessert to University Challenge’s slightly stodgy main course, and now they’ve been switched, UC feels positively miserable in its new position. It doesn’t help that Paxman is so rude and unprofessional; I don’t understand how he gets away with it, yet get away with it he still tends to. It’s like he doesn’t want to be there and feels the need to make this as clear as possible; people have been sacked for less. Despite going off the whole thing, here are today’s tweets:  Newcastle Vs. Fitzwilliam - Cambridge (02.04.18) 8:33PM: Lowery tells the time solely by sundial, ...

The result of today's University Challenge was a fair representation of how poorly Sheffield Hallam played, though at least there were partially saved by the inclusion of a waist coat (worn in this instance by the emotionally barren Hanson). See below for my twitter ramblings tonight: Sheffield Hallam Vs. Newcastle (11.01.17) 8:02PM: Hanson: once a band, now a psychopath. 8:02PM: Old Father Simkins. 8:03PM: Lowery's hairstyle was the only thatched roof in London at time of recording. 8:04PM: Doyle's eyes have seen things. Bad, bad things. 8:06PM: Waistcoats (Hanson) and bow ties (Lowery) on young people make me deeply suspicious. 8:08PM: Doyle was the only one of the four to show remorse as they stood beside the shallow grave. 8:09PM: That's not hair on Lowery's head, that's a pelt. 8:12PM: A year of sleep wouldn't obliterate the dark circles from Doyle's eyes; the carnage witnessed is to...

While I’m enjoying the current daily instalments of University Challenge, I’ll be glad when they go back to the standard shows. It’s not as fun to mock the ex-students; they’re just too well-established. I’ve nothing bad to say about Samira Ahmed or Wilko Johnson, for example, and I sure as hell can’t play ‘Spot the Murderer’ with them, or ‘Sniff Out the Most Socially Inept’. The last few episodes have been so alarmingly twat-free, I’ve almost abandoned my usual piss-taking and actually listened to the questions. See below for tonight’s Twitter banter: normal service will be resumed when they bring the knobheads back. City - London Vs. Newcastle (21.12.16) 7:32pm: Paxman looks world-weary tonight; I bet they threatened to overrule him. 7:33pm: "Their captain has been broadcasting for over twenty years". Long programme. 7:34pm: Needell loves it. 7:35pm: Newcastle's Scales was hit by a very precise gust ...

It wouldn’t be a Monday without me turning to Twitter to subconsciously act out my jealousy of the University Challenge contestants' intelligence by picking on them so personally and unscrupulously   - so here goes. (I’m sorry for being such a git.) 8:03pm: Kirkman is like Scottish for church, man. 8:05pm: Paxman thinks Bennett's "cuticle". 8:06pm: Kirkman saw tonight's # UniversityChallenge as 'Dress-down Monday'. 8:08pm: Ormestad Frendem is Mednerf Datsemro backwards. 8:09pm: Ormestad Frendem's hair looks like it's parted the wrong way. 8:10pm: Ormestad Frendem: two bad hands at Scrabble. 8:11pm: Gard-Murray's beard perfectly matches his name. 8:12pm: Kaliski's dad was Pob. 8:14pm: Gard-Murray's jacket and facial hair are made from the same corduroy. 8:17pm: Ormestad Frendem's surname was formed from left-over letters...

While I’m generally pretty mild-mannered and pleasant, this all goes out of the metaphorical window most Monday evenings at 8:00pm. From then until 8:30pm, I can be found skulking about on Twitter, being all Internet troll-like about that week’s University Challenge contestants. Today was no different. See below for this week’s 140-characters-or-fewer nastiness. I’m a nice person, really, when you get to know me. 8:01pm: Jeremy Paxman: so weary. 8:02pm: "Hi I'm Kirkman, and I've subsumed David Mitchell's voice.” 8:06pm: "Hi, I'm Wainwright, and used to be chased around abandoned houses by bandaged mummies, with a dog called Scooby-Doo". 8:07pm: No, not "Kant" in that jacket, Bennett. 'C*nt". 8:08pm: Wainwright's lightbox is giving him a suntan. 8:09pm: If you listen very carefully, you can hear Wainwright's hair grow. 8:12pm: I'd lik...