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GBBO: Week Five (25.09.18)


If a typical episode of the Bake Off isn’t enough to raise your blood pressure, tonight they made biscuit chandeliers.

This was the Blue Peter Advent Crown, Tracey Island and Mark Curry punching the head of a Lego statue all rolled into one, or like fifteen baby elephants excreting on the floor of Television Centre while the nation watched; I’ve never been so tense and I suffer from anxiety.

It’s fair to say I watch each installment of GBBO through clenched fingers, and with every passing week it gets harder to see through the gaps, but tonight's took the biscuit, to use an obvious pun; the idea of presenting them as a mobile seems alien to someone who keeps his in barrel (and one the size of a water butt).

While tonight’s viewing was tense I still summed up the courage to tweet along at safe intervals. See below for what was said and when.

8:02PM: Today, Terry's come disguised as a stereotypical Frenchman.

8:07PM: KAREN: "When I was kid..." you all sat around the fire and wondered how it got there. (https://twitter.com/David_Ephgrave/status/1044664792789716992)

8:11PM: I think I did Kim-Joy as a doodle once.

8:12PM: I wish someone would inject me with a lemon solution.

8:20PM: PRUE: "It's a little too [CLICK]". Who are you? Cliff Richard?

8:22PM: PAUL: "Interesting texture..." My favourite George Harrison album (niche reference).

8:23PM: Has Prue got a 1980s telephone cable around her neck?

8:27PM: This week, Ruby got first dibs on The X-Files glasses. (https://twitter.com/David_Ephgrave/status/1044669636908916742)

8:32PM: THEY'RE ALL BLOWING ON THEM. STOP BLOWING ON THEM.

8:35PM: Prue's a bit of a bitch.

8:42PM: I don't know where Prue is, but I hope Mary's got an alibi.

8:49PM: Let's hope not. (https://twitter.com/David_Ephgrave/status/1044675241623064579)

8:51PM: "Essence in a bottle"; my favourite Police song.

8:59PM: To add insult to injury, they have to take it to him.

9:02PM: I like people to look at me menacingly while eating a biscuit.

9:04PM: ...but let's not forget Terry baked a death mask in week one.

9:04PM: Even Terry's tache looks sad.

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