Skip to main content

The Notorious B.I.G.


I’m annoyed that I’ve put on weight recently; not a lot, but enough to be aware of it.

Before I know it, I’ll be doing my best Eamonn Holmes: dressing in deceptively large suit jackets, with my fingers barely able to clasp in front of my stomach. I’ll only wear black, or something dark with a smaller body drawn on the front, so I look like one of those outsized-headed football cartoons. I’ll be like Homer Simpson, when he purposely gets big enough to be eligible for disability allowance; when Lisa looks for me, I’ll be in the cellar, washing my fat guy hat: this is my future.

Until now, I’ve never knowingly become more stout. Maybe this is what happens when you reach thirty-five: you’re once-fast metabolism goes kaput. I better take up squash or jogging; that or squeeze myself into some jogging bottoms; that’s the path of least resistance, I expect.

I’ve got things in hand. My wife and I have decided to go for regular long walks for extra exercise, though to be fair, I go on foot to most places as it is. I also pledge to keep my diet in check. I generally eat healthily, though when it comes to biscuits, I have no off-switch (except for when the barrel is empty, that is). The thing is, they’re so bloody nice - but I don’t want to wind up the sort of person who only shops for clothes at Sports Direct. Unless they pay me to front an advertising campaign; I'm fickle like that.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...