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GBBO 2016: Volume Seven (05.10.16)


Sifting through my tweets about last night’s Great British Bake-Off to compile today's blog has only served to reiterate one thing: that programme's become utter filth.

What used to be a mere sprinkling of Kenneth Williams Carry-On-style allusions to adult situations is now a deluge of full-on dirt. No wonder it’s moving to Channel Four; when it does, its transformation into a cake-based Eurotrash will be complete.

Below you’ll find my record of last night’s shenanigans, but be warned: a parent or guardian should accompany anyone under the age of fourteen who's reading it.

8:04pm: Tonight, Paul, Mary, Mel and Sue should stop standing on ceremony and just say "penis".

8:07pm: Paul: "If you put too much filling in, you're not going to fit it in your mouth". [INSERT EUPHEMISM HERE].

8:07pm: Heh heh. "Cream filling".

8:08pm: Mary Berry, as the builder she's hired to do some work on her kitchen bends over: "I'm hoping there'll be no crack whatsoever".

8:10pm: Selasi's such a hard man, he doesn't need to use oven gloves.

8:12pm: Tom, to Lynn Benfield: "Lynn, could you just cool my face down with a hand-fan".

8:15pm: In the days in-between filming each episode of #GBBO, Mary Berry can be found on a park bench, swigging from a bottle of rum in a paper bag.

8:16pm: Tom could rescue his roulade by turning it into a Dougal cake.

8:17pm: Selasi's so hard, he could punch through double-glazing.

8:19pm: Mary would like a swirl of cream on the inside; Mary would like the moon on stick.

8:24pm: NEWSFLASH: Candice to play the Morwenna Banks' role in the third series of 'Saxondale’.

8:28pm: When the #GBBO moves to C4, that black lamb's fee will go through the roof.

8:31pm: Selasi can demolish a power station cooling tower just by looking at it.

8:35pm: A Paul vs. Selasi staring competition would end up a stalemate.

8:39pm: Mini mousse cakes, mini-mini mousse cakes. Mini mousse cakes, mini-mini mousse cakes. Mini mousse cakes, mini-mini mousse cakes. 


8:41pm: Paul Hollywood's hair is hard as granite.

8:49pm: Stress levels when watching #GBBO are akin to defusing a bomb.

8:52pm: Candice is more pursed than Dot Cotton mid-smoke.

8:57pm: There's a mousse loosse aboot this housse.

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