I went into the office today with the intention of doing some work to promote next month's performance of my solo show, but ultimately, I couldn’t find the enthusiasm to do it.
It’s not that I don’t have faith in the show itself (though like any creative person, I flit between thinking what I do is good or awful with alarming speed and frequency). It’s just that today, for whatever reason, I wasn’t in the mood to big something up for what seems like the millionth time, to no apparent interest.
I know that sounds a little maudlin and self-pitying. The last bit’s also not strictly true; it’s just how it feels today, at this present moment. Working alone is hard; there’s no two ways about it. You only have yourself to depend on, and if you start feeling negative, this feeds laziness and apathy, which in turn, makes you feel worse. I’ve never been good at maintaining self-belief, particularly when no-one’s investing in what I do, or cajoling me on to do it.
It doesn’t help that I’m currently, strictly, unrepresented. There’s no-one bigging me up, actively promoting me, or getting me work. I’m my own agent, producer and PR and if I’m honest, I’m sick of it. I pride myself in being a good multi-tasker and I know how to pull together an event, such as Mostly Comedy or – previously –my Sixties show Glad All Over, but this tendency to organise everything hasn’t done me any favours in the long-run. The comedy club is a good case in point; it’s now stupidly successful, in terms of the acts that play it - Rory Bremner next month - and the audience interest, but when it comes to promoting my solo show, conversely, few people turns up. I’m exaggerating a bit, but it can feel like it; I’ve just got to the point when I need someone in the industry to take an active interest, so I feel like what I’m doing is worthy of it.
To be fair, when it comes to much of my career, I’ve been spoilt. I’ve toured the country, playing the majority of its biggest theatres, and worked in the West End. I’ve taken shows to the Edinburgh, Leicester, Brighton, Camden and Bath Festivals and even been in adverts for Volkswagen and the AA, for Crissakes - the acting "toppermost of the poppermost" - but when it comes to my comedy career, I’m unsatisfied with where I'm at.
Perhaps I need a break. I should also put things into perspective: it’s a sunny day and it’s nearly the weekend. Most importantly of all, my biscuit barrel’s fit to bursting; if it was empty, I’d be at my wits end. Someone give me a shot of positivity, please.