'Strictly Come Dancing' 2016 Tweet-along (03.09.16)

Another day, another Autumn, another series of Strictly Come Dancing reaches our screens

Every year, it starts and I tell myself, "I won't get sucked in". I also ponder as to whether I (1) know who anyone is apart from the odd big-hitter, and (2) whether I'll grow to like the people I instinctively dislike and vica versa. I know it has the facade of a trashy reality TV contest at first glance, but it's a definite step above the rest; so much so, I forgive myself for my interest in it.

See below for my barrage of tweets as I watched tonight's show. Other people go out on a Saturday night, but not me; I just furiously press the keys on my BlackBerry as I jibe snarkily at a load of people far braver - and more coordinated - than me.

6:59pm: "Everybody dancing now."

6:59pm: The opening number's like the video for Michael & Janet Jackson's Scream, camped up to the max.

7:05pm: Barely ten minutes in & nothing has happened onscreen to vouch for this, yet I know Lesley Joseph & Ore Oduba will get on my tits.

7:06pm: A tenuous Morecambe & Wise quote gets a laugh from the audience; this country.

7:08pm: "Louise Redknapp: singing sensation, mother of two" & intensely awkward co-presenter of the now-defunct Something For the Weekend.

7:10pm: Not having Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Andrea Leadsom dancing in a #Strictly Brexit special is a missed opportunity.

7:12pm: I used to love Louise singing I Know Where it's At with Michelle Gayle, Scary Spice and one of the girls from B*Witched.

7:13pm: Naga + Pasha = Nagapasha.

7:14pm: TESS TO ANASTASIA: "You have sold over thirteen million records". Must have been one hell of a boot sale.

7:16pm: This year's #Strictly Affair Prediction: Anton du Beke with himself.

7:20pm: Tomorrow, I'm going to write to the Daily Mail to complain about the decadence of Rebecca Ferguson's glittery plinth.

7:22pm: It's hard to know where Lesley Joseph ends and her character Dorien begins.

7:23pm: David Balls.

7:24pm: Anton du Beke has a Real Doll of himself.

7:26pm: New #Strictly professional A.J. Pritchard hasn't been born yet.

7:29pm: I wouldn't describe winning a bronze medal as losing at the Olympics.

7:29pm: Judge Grindr

7:31pm: Everyone on #Strictly, be they a celebrity or a professional, makes me feel like I have the yellowest teeth Planet Earth has ever seen.

7:33pm: Tess Daly should do a Post Grad in sincerity.

7:35pm: Oksana - she don't need to put on the red light.

7:40pm: ...I f**king hated Jay.

7:43pm: AJ wasn't even alive when they used that Grange Hill theme.

7:44pm: Will Young: this year's man crush.

7:46pm: I can imagine Ed Balls, Lesley Joseph and Anton du Beke sharing many a 'we're older than everyone else' fag break.

7:48pm: Lesley Joseph is 98% nicotine.

7:50pm: If Anton du Beke doesn't get Lesley Joseph, I'll eat my own head.

7:52pm: Every time Tess Daly makes a joke, a comedian dies.

7:53pm: Lesley and Anton: written in the (dancing with the) stars.

7:57pm: To get up to see Claudia, Lesley Joseph used a Stannah Stairlift.

8:01pm: Look behind you, Olly, and you'll see all those musicians and musical instruments you didn't use to record this.

8:02pm: Every facial expression and mannerism Ore does is preplanned.

8:03pm: ...to be fair to him, Ed Balls came across very well on the Bake Off.

8:04pm: They should have paired Will Young with Kevin From Grimsby.

8:06pm: (Said for the first of many times this Autumn) "What the f**k is Tess wearing".

8:07pm: Ed Balls is essentially me if I did this programme.

8:10pm: Judging from his outfit, Will Young rushed to Elstree from a rehearsal of Bugsy Malone.

8:12pm: Ed Balls does the dance of everybody's dad

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...

'...I'm Gonna Look at You 'til My Eyes Go Blind."

Over the past week or two, I’ve been on a bit of a Sheryl Crow kick, largely thanks to rediscovering her cover of one of my most-liked Bob Dylan songs. She has one of my favourite female voices, yet despite this, I only own one CD and that’s just a single (her '97 release ‘Hard to Make a Stand’); on that basis, you can only imagine how much of her back catalogue I’d own if I hated her (it would fall into minus-figures). Dylan, conversely, takes up more of my collection than anyone else, save The Beatles and Paul McCartney’s solo work. He’s one of those artists who, when you get him, you really get him - and once I’d tuned into his style as a student, I'd time and again be blown away by his lyrics; he’ll have more jaw-dropping imagery in one track than other people fit in a whole career. These days, I mostly listen to music in the morning when getting ready, and more often than not, this will consist of a suggested YouTube playlist when I’m in the bath, r...

"Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let it Shine."

Tonight saw the second instalment of BBC1’s latest advertise-a-musical-for-months-and-then-cast-it-with-performers-too-inexperienced-to-do-it-a-thon ‘Let it S̶h̶i̶t̶e̶ Shine’ (or as I call it: ‘REAL AUDITIONS ARE NOTHING LIKE THIS’). I didn’t watch it (clearly), but being reminded of how angry seeing just five minutes of it made me last week caused me to mull over what I would call a musical based on the band’s songbook, if I was responsible for it. Here are a my suggestions: IDEAS FOR TITLE OF A TAKE THAT MUSICAL: Barlow! Dirty Fat-Dancing Orange! A Million Love-changes-everything Songs Owen! Howard's End Pray Misérables Mamma Marka! Babe (with a pig as the lead) …BUT MY FAVOURITE HAS TO BE: Jason & His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. "It was Orange, Orange, Orange, Orange..." (TAKE) THAT’S ENOUGH OF (TAKE) THAT.

mostly david ephgrave

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