Another day, another Autumn, another series of Strictly Come Dancing reaches our screens
Every year, it starts and I tell myself, "I won't get sucked in". I also ponder as to whether I (1) know who anyone is apart from the odd big-hitter, and (2) whether I'll grow to like the people I instinctively dislike and vica versa. I know it has the facade of a trashy reality TV contest at first glance, but it's a definite step above the rest; so much so, I forgive myself for my interest in it.
See below for my barrage of tweets as I watched tonight's show. Other people go out on a Saturday night, but not me; I just furiously press the keys on my BlackBerry as I jibe snarkily at a load of people far braver - and more coordinated - than me.
6:59pm: "Everybody dancing now."
6:59pm: The opening number's like the video for Michael & Janet Jackson's Scream, camped up to the max.
7:05pm: Barely ten minutes in & nothing has happened onscreen to vouch for this, yet I know Lesley Joseph & Ore Oduba will get on my tits.
7:06pm: A tenuous Morecambe & Wise quote gets a laugh from the audience; this country.
7:08pm: "Louise Redknapp: singing sensation, mother of two" & intensely awkward co-presenter of the now-defunct Something For the Weekend.
7:10pm: Not having Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Andrea Leadsom dancing in a #Strictly Brexit special is a missed opportunity.
7:12pm: I used to love Louise singing I Know Where it's At with Michelle Gayle, Scary Spice and one of the girls from B*Witched.
7:13pm: Naga + Pasha = Nagapasha.
7:14pm: TESS TO ANASTASIA: "You have sold over thirteen million records". Must have been one hell of a boot sale.
7:16pm: This year's #Strictly Affair Prediction: Anton du Beke with himself.
7:20pm: Tomorrow, I'm going to write to the Daily Mail to complain about the decadence of Rebecca Ferguson's glittery plinth.
7:22pm: It's hard to know where Lesley Joseph ends and her character Dorien begins.
7:23pm: David Balls.
7:24pm: Anton du Beke has a Real Doll of himself.
7:26pm: New #Strictly professional A.J. Pritchard hasn't been born yet.
7:29pm: I wouldn't describe winning a bronze medal as losing at the Olympics.
7:29pm: Judge Grindr
7:31pm: Everyone on #Strictly, be they a celebrity or a professional, makes me feel like I have the yellowest teeth Planet Earth has ever seen.
7:33pm: Tess Daly should do a Post Grad in sincerity.
7:35pm: Oksana - she don't need to put on the red light.
7:40pm: ...I f**king hated Jay.
7:43pm: AJ wasn't even alive when they used that Grange Hill theme.
7:44pm: Will Young: this year's man crush.
7:46pm: I can imagine Ed Balls, Lesley Joseph and Anton du Beke sharing many a 'we're older than everyone else' fag break.
7:48pm: Lesley Joseph is 98% nicotine.
7:50pm: If Anton du Beke doesn't get Lesley Joseph, I'll eat my own head.
7:52pm: Every time Tess Daly makes a joke, a comedian dies.
7:53pm: Lesley and Anton: written in the (dancing with the) stars.
7:57pm: To get up to see Claudia, Lesley Joseph used a Stannah Stairlift.
8:01pm: Look behind you, Olly, and you'll see all those musicians and musical instruments you didn't use to record this.
8:02pm: Every facial expression and mannerism Ore does is preplanned.
8:03pm: ...to be fair to him, Ed Balls came across very well on the Bake Off.
8:04pm: They should have paired Will Young with Kevin From Grimsby.
8:06pm: (Said for the first of many times this Autumn) "What the f**k is Tess wearing".
8:07pm: Ed Balls is essentially me if I did this programme.
8:10pm: Judging from his outfit, Will Young rushed to Elstree from a rehearsal of Bugsy Malone.
8:12pm: Ed Balls does the dance of everybody's dad