Personal Treasure Hunt.


Another day passes and I still haven’t found my wedding ring.

I’m trying to make my search as methodical as possible and yet it still hasn’t turned up. Today’s mission was to pull out the upright piano that's in my living room to see if it was underneath it. I hadn’t prepared myself for how hard it would be to move on my own; I’ve pushed many an upright about in classrooms in my off/on sideline as a singing teacher, but in most instances they (a) weren’t sitting on carpet and (b) had probably been moved sometime in the last ten years; mine hasn’t been shifted for so long the casters have seized up, which could have led to my back seizing up too if I hadn’t been careful; my cat watched me silently from her favourite chair throughout, probably thinking, ‘What the hell's the bigger of my two live-in slaves doing now?’

It’s so frustrating that I can’t find it, when it has to be here somewhere. There are only so many places jewellery can hide in a one-bedroom flat, yet wherever it is, it’s clearly the most secure, as I’ve practically turned over everything I own in my hunt.  I’m beginning to wonder if I accidentally swallowed it. Or maybe my hands have grown so flat it entered my bloodstream by osmosis (which I always thought would be a good name for an Oasis tribute band; perhaps I should form one as a get-rich-quick scheme to buy a replacement).

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Hoo-ray and up She Rises.

So much has happened since my last post in March that this blog risks sounding like an itinerary. The main news is that Hitchin Mostly Comedy will return in the summer at a new venue, the Queen Mother Theatre . The road to this decision was convoluted, though enough fell into place en route to leave me optimistic about this new start. The catalyst was a survey I ran via our mailing list a few months back, in which I asked, "If the club returned in the current climate, with tickets still around £15 (and with similar line-ups), would you still attend?"; the response to which, in simple terms, was a resounding yes. Nearly 250 mailing list subscribers responded in a single week, with around a hundred also taking the option to leave some feedback. And only two people were abusive, which counts as a win when you consider they posted their comments online anonymously. Imagine how many more insults we would have received if the comedy club was a woman. Particularly if she was Diane ...
Read more