'GBBO 2017: Week Three (12.09.17)'


Week Three of the Bake Off and - judging from my blog - it’s clearly the time of year when I’m most likely to be found live-tweeting along with some TV competition or other.

The theme for tonight’s show was bread, which inevitably led to Paul Hollywood ruling the roost, what with it being his forte. Perhaps surprisingly, he seemed in a particularly good mood and wasn’t particularly scathing of anything; he even went so far as to trade places with Steven, gleefully threatening to go home after being faced with his immaculate baked handbag (a sentence I never thought I’d write).

See below for my Bread Week twitter commentary (or elsewhere if you’re not interested):

8:01PM: Three minutes in and Stacey's fingering dough; I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

8:02PM: James: "I'm not a great one for Bread Week"; has he done this before?

8:05PM: Liam, snorting cinnamon on prime-time television; this is as bad as that Bacon feller on Blue Peter's druggy past.

8:06PM: No-one wants to be a "trainee" stuntwoman; I use that as an excuse when I fall over.

8:08PM: I love Yan's way a bit.

8:09PM: Noel's hair tonight's a bit Farrah Fawcett.

8:10PM: Tom, swimming in a loch, like your average Scottish person.

8:11PM: Flo's false teeth get bigger with each progressive week.

8:12PM: What with Paul, Flo and Kate, this year's series should be called the Great British Scouse Off.

8:18PM: I like 'em big and flat too, Prue.

8:22PM: I'm starting to wonder if Prue's as much of an alkie as Mary.

8:24PM: "How do you make a cottage loaf?" INSERT YOUR OWN PUNCHLINE HERE.

8:24PM: I hope someone makes a lion.

8:25PM: I'd like to watch Paul Hollywood drive his finger down through...etc.

8:28PM: Watching Stacey pushing her fingers into the dough made my buttocks clench.

8:41PM: If I were taking part, I'd slam a loaf of Warburton's on the table, give Paul & Prue two fingers & force my way through the tent wall.

8:48PM: I like to wear a bread hat (with a butter shirt and jam trousers).

8:50PM: I do like a phallic bread snail.

9:01PM: Steven's rocked the signature bake two weeks' running.

9:03PM: Can something taste tasteless?

9:04PM: Tom's centrepiece is BRILLIANT.

9:04PM: Julia's snail makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

9:07PM: Tonight's Bake Off has seen the birth of a whole new fetish: bread porn.

9:10PM: Julia's snail was sponsored by Ron Jeremy.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more