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As Thick as a Thief.

I have a confession to make. I committed a crime fifteen years ago, which has played on my mind ever since. Owning up to it today maybe be my only chance of freeing myself from the guilt. So here goes: 

I stole a sun visor belonging to the lead singer of the rock band ‘A’ at a gig in The Square in Harlow in 1999.

It was a stupid thing to do. I knew that even then. My only excuse was I was egged on by my band mates. What can I say? I used to hang around with shifty people. It’s par for the course with growing up in Stevenage.

‘A’ are a Suffolk-based punk band (which isn’t an oxymoron). Their songs often have a humorous edge, which appealed greatly to my old band Big Day Out, as ours did too. We also liked their headgear; something that became painfully apparent, one fateful night in Essex.

Back then, we wore flamboyant – or stupid – outfits. We picked up most of our clothing from the women’s section of charity shops. For some inexplicable reason we thought floral blouses were a good look. It must have been something to do with teenage hormones. 

BDO in 1999. Hardened, poorly-dressed criminals.
We’d also often wear hats. Which is why, when A’s singer Jason Perry took his visor off briefly during their set, we sneaked it away like cuntish magpies.

When he noticed it was missing, things got frighteningly tense. Perry was understandably furious. He kept shouting at the audience, threatening to stop playing if he didn’t get it back. He was so aggressive, we didn’t know what to do. It soon went past the point of owning up.

I feel awful about it even now. It was a stupid, nasty thing to do. I’d apologise in person, if I didn’t think he’d rip my head off. If you read this, Jason, I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I also owe you a job lot of hats. P.S. Your song Old Folks was brutal but excellent.

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