Skip to main content

'University Challenged 2017/18: Volume Four (14.08.17)'


I was disappointed to discover I missed last week’s episode of University Challenge when they broadcast it a day early to make way for coverage of the IAAF World Championships (because apparently watching the likes of Usain Bolt and Katarina Johnson-Thompson compete at an international level takes precedence over seeing eight hyper-intelligent yet self-conscious students preen as they express their knowledge to a tetchy ex-Newsnight host.

Having messed up last time, there was no chance I’d make the same mistake again; it's hard enough to get through an average week without my UC fix, let alone when I need a little light relief from my current run on the Edinburgh Fringe. So it was that I settled in front of my temporary TV in my adopted front room for a good old-fashioned bout of Twitter mockery; I'm clearly just jealous.

St Edmund's Cambridge Vs. Magdalen Oxford (14.08.17)

8:02PM: I suspect St Thomas Cambridge's team might win tonight, though like Knight-Williams, I may be sticking my neck out.

8:03PM: Gibson's been on the coffee (and speed).

8:04PM: Gibson splits his spare time between practising mime and being a Bond villain.

8:05PM: I'd hate to speak too soon, but Gibson may be a contender for the position of this year's Monkman.

8:07PM: Gibson is secretly a head on a broomstick being wiggled about inside a fake polo-necked body.

8:10PM: I may start a petition in favour of St Edmund's Cambridge's Blank as the host of a revamped Blankety Blank.

8:15PM: Motala's Mustard Jumper is favourite for tomorrow's 3:15 at Chepstow.

8:17PM: Gibson gets another cocaine hit by running his tongue over his gums as he answers each question.

8:21PM: Blank: the surname of one tonight's contestants. Blank: the expression on my face after Paxman asks a question.

8:24PM: Stern is 67% chin.

8:25PM: GIBSON'S WIRED, OFF HIS TITS.
Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

'...I'm Gonna Look at You 'til My Eyes Go Blind."

Over the past week or two, I’ve been on a bit of a Sheryl Crow kick, largely thanks to rediscovering her cover of one of my most-liked Bob Dylan songs. She has one of my favourite female voices, yet despite this, I only own one CD and that’s just a single (her '97 release ‘Hard to Make a Stand’); on that basis, you can only imagine how much of her back catalogue I’d own if I hated her (it would fall into minus-figures). Dylan, conversely, takes up more of my collection than anyone else, save The Beatles and Paul McCartney’s solo work. He’s one of those artists who, when you get him, you really get him - and once I’d tuned into his style as a student, I'd time and again be blown away by his lyrics; he’ll have more jaw-dropping imagery in one track than other people fit in a whole career. These days, I mostly listen to music in the morning when getting ready, and more often than not, this will consist of a suggested YouTube playlist when I’m in the bath, r...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more