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'University Challenged 2016/17: Volume Fourteen (14.11.16)'


There’s something frustratingly repetitive about University Challenge at the moment, when currently faced with so many returning teams.

This is all well and good, but I like having new unhinged people to focus on; alternate speech impediments or questionable haircuts to assiduously mock. I know the show doesn’t bring out the best aspects of my character, in that I essentially don’t bother listening to the questions as they go by, instead focusing on the social awkwardness of that week’s contestants. I’m hardly one to talk - awkwardness is essentially a constant shadow to my life, but it can at least be put into perspective in comparison to some of the students who put themselves through something as unremittingly pressured as competing in the iconic long-running quiz show.

See below for tonight’s Twitter ramblings; as per usual, I’m sorry for any insult I cause.

Birmingham Vs. St Andrews (14.11.16)

8:04pm: Birmingham's Sutherland looks set to be tonight's murderer.
8:05pm: Green's centre-parting is imprecise.
8:06pm: St Andrews’ Vokes appears on tonight's show post-lobotomy.
8:07pm: Parker was Fido Dido in a past life.

8:09pm: You could use Parker's head as a paintbrush to complete a massive mural.
8:11pm: Sutherland is handy with a knife.
8:13pm: Everyone in Birmingham's team has the look of the recently bereaved.
8:14pm: Parker does a cracking mid-Nineties rap.
8:15pm: Look at Vokes. LOOK AT HIM.
8:16pm: Parker is Facebook friends with Jazzy Jeff.
8:17pm: Green's the lead singer of The Commitments.
8:19pm: St Andrews' team display the complete range and scope of musical haircuts.
8:22pm: Parker can recite the theme from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air backwards.
8:23pm: I produce "a pungent semi-soft cheese"; I don't want to talk about it.
8:25pm: The fact Vokes can identify a portrait of René Descartes suggests a misspent youth.
8:30pm: Every time a #UniversityChallenge contestant smiles while getting an answer right, a student's scholarship is revoked.
8:31pm; Competing on #UniversityChallenge looks like a joyless experience.
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