Today, I’m
feeling a little despondent.
I often get like
this when I’ve finished working on something intensively. I find myself questioning why I
did it in the first place and whether it had / has a purpose – so it’s no
surprise that I feel this way this week after the frenetic build-up to last
week’s Brighton run.
I don’t want my
feelings to be misunderstood. I’m very happy with how my new show is shaping up,
and feel so much more content with my material and delivery, compared with that of
my solo début last year. Working alone for the first time was a huge step I
wasn’t sure I was up to back then, whereas now I know I am (or at least
that’s how I feel if you catch me on a good day).
Despite my more
positive outlook this year, I’m still frustrated with the uphill struggle I
find myself in. I had to cancel one of the four dates I’d booked
last week due to an insufficient turnout. I’ve also yet to have any reviews
surface, which is a pain, as I was hoping for the odd positive comment to give
me strength in what I’m doing, as well as to help promote my Edinburgh run. Of course, you could look at this two ways; my assistant /
director Steve said the other day that no
review is better than a bad review. I
know what he means, yet it niggles to have little evidence of the
dates that passed, save the financial cost; flyers, venue hire, food, train
tickets and taxis home don’t come cheap.
Perhaps I’m being
pessimistic. There was a lot to be gained from the few weeks. I have the
beginnings of a show for Edinburgh with two months still in hand. I had
a positive reaction to all of the dates so far (save one slightly teeth-pulling one; let's hope you weren’t in the audience for that). I feel like I’m
finding a more solid solo voice. I’m just tired of having to do all of the
organising and promoting by myself; if a good agent or industry insider were to
take a punt and help me out, I’d have something more solid to hold onto: creating your own work can be an evil mistress.