Keep it Trim.


This evening my wife will help me shave my jumper. That’s not a euphemism so don’t get excited.

Is this what married life amounts to: removing the bobbles from each others' clothing? If so, neither of us knew what we were signing up for. It wasn’t in our vows.  

When we first got together I didn’t say, ‘I own a jumper that will deteriorate over time. If you’re still with me when it does, would you mind assisting in its maintenance?’. If I had, she would have run for the hills.

(There were no hills in sight.)

I didn’t pop the question with it on my mind. A wedding is an expensive procedure to go through solely for that purpose. You can buy a JML Bobble-Off Lint Remover from Argos for £5.99. Still, it saves me putting it on a mannequin.

I never thought I’d need to prune it. I assumed that wool stopped growing after it was separated from the sheep. It could be worse. A friend who used to work in Madame Tussauds told me how they had to move Hitler’s waxwork into a glass case to prevent vandalism – and the conditions it was kept in meant it needed the occasional haircut. That’s why you should never keep a Nazi effigy in direct sunlight.


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