Keep it Trim.
This evening my
wife will help me shave my jumper. That’s not a euphemism so don’t get excited.
Is this what
married life amounts to: removing the bobbles from each others' clothing? If so, neither of us knew what we were signing up for. It wasn’t in our vows.
When we first got
together I didn’t say, ‘I own a jumper that will deteriorate over time. If
you’re still with me when it does, would you mind assisting in its
maintenance?’. If I had, she would have run for the hills.
(There were no
hills in sight.)
I didn’t pop the
question with it on my mind. A wedding is an expensive procedure to go through
solely for that purpose. You can buy a JML Bobble-Off Lint Remover from Argos
for £5.99. Still, it saves me putting it on a mannequin.
I never thought
I’d need to prune it. I assumed that wool stopped growing after it was separated
from the sheep. It could be worse. A friend who used to work in Madame Tussauds told me how they had to move Hitler’s waxwork into a glass case
to prevent vandalism – and the conditions it was kept in meant it needed the
occasional haircut. That’s why you should never keep a Nazi effigy in direct
sunlight.