Skip to main content

Hark at Barker.


If there’s one thing I don’t want to see when I flick through my Twitter feed, it’s Linda Barker’s face.

Fear (right).

You might think I’m being harsh, but I’m not. It took a long time to recover from her horrific, grating voice on Changing Rooms most weekdays in the late 90s; I don’t need to be subjected to a sudden, unexpected, visual reminder.

It’s not so bad when I’ve had a chance to prepare myself. It’s those unsolicited Barker moments that strain my nervous system the most. If you said, ‘David, I’m about to show you a picture of your least favourite interior designer. Are you sure you’re ready for it?’ I would be. After breathing into a paper bag and crossing myself. And I’m not even Catholic.

It’s hard to put a finger on what it is that sets me on edge. It’s the whole package. There’s something in her demeanour that suggests she’d destroy anyone who stood in her way. Her smile isn’t genuine. It’s painted-on, like that of Tim Curry’s Pennywise or Jack Nicholson’s Joker. You wouldn’t want either of them doing up your house.

She reminds me of Anthea Turner too, which isn’t a bonus.
Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Not The Bayeux One.

The Carole King album Tapestry has been my 'getting-ready-in-the-morning' soundtrack for the past few weeks.  It's been a favourite album ever since I was a student, which makes for a pleasantly gentle way to usher in the start of a day. I've always been a fan of a well-crafted song, which is something of a Carole King hallmark, ever since she started writing with her first husband in the early Sixties. Tapestry may be an unimaginative choice for a favourite LP, as it suggests I haven't delved that far into her career, but it's still an undoubted classic; anything with '(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman', 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?' and 'You've Got A Friend' on it can't really fail; if nothing else, it proves she likes writing songs with long titles.  Next month, she's set to perform the album live in its entirety for the first time at a gig in Hyde Park, which I would have loved to have gone to, if it weren...
Read more

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

'Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream..."

While I’ve been practising meditation for quite some time now, I’ve recently taken to using the mindfulness app 'Headspace' . If you’ve never meditated before, or you’re an old hand at it, it’s a great resource, offering daily ten-minute guided meditations that create a sense of progress, rather than stagnating and going through the same process every day. Until I started using the app, I’d often listen to a handful of audio guided meditations I have on my phone in case of a brain emergency. If you see me with my eyes closed and my earphones in on public transport, I’m probably doing this (unless I’m sleeping and using this blog as an elaborate alibi). While the tracks on my phone are great, they can get a little repetitive as I become too familiar with them and start to anticipate everything the person on the recording will say. This is where Headspace is great, as it offers you a daily course with a different focus each day, as well as pl...
Read more