'University Challenged 2016/17: Volume Five (08.08.16)'

Don’t let the fact I’m taking part in the biggest arts festival in the world make you think I’ve lost sight of my priorities; if there’s an episode of University Challenge airing, I’ll always do my best to live-tweet it.

…and what a cracker it was tonight, with a hairy / bearded man of dubious style and questionable fashion choices on each team. I know I shouldn’t be so unkind when I watch it, but as I’ve said before, this meanness stems entirely from jealousy; if not for the students’ look, then for their obvious intelligence. At their age, I could barely even remember my own name.

Oriel Oxford Vs. Manchester (08.08.16)

7:31pm: Paxman's hair, channeling John Craven.

7:32pm: Tobias? TOBIAS?

7:32pm: "I'm Joseph Bath and I NEED A BATH.”

7:33pm: Siantonas, son of John Cleese's mountain-exploding character in The Holy Grail.

7:34pm: Bath thinks he's in Bon Jovi.

7:34pm: There's no substance more fluffy than Bath's hair.

7:35pm: No-one's ever said Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so sinisterly.

7:35pm: Siantonas? C**t.

7:36pm: Isn't Oriel Oxford a type of biscuit?

7:38pm: Because Siantonas' name wasn't flamboyant enough.

7:38pm: Michael has a pile of corpses in his shed.

7:38pm: Michael likes to see you suffer.

7:40pm: Siantonas is a direct descendent of John Thomson's American scientist in The Fast Show.

7:43pm: Michael's eight favourite films: Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, Saw VI, Saw 3D, Saw Legacy.

7:44pm: Scanlon's ironic face.

7:45pm: After the recording, Siantonas and Bath went back to their shared bedsit to listen to prog.

7:47pm: Tobias: future Prime Minister.

7:49pm: Anyone who confuses Bo Diddley with Cole Porter is a menace to society.

7:51pm: Bath's hair, Siantonas' beard, Bath's hair, Siantonas' beard, BATH'S HAIR, SIANTONAS' BEARD.

7:53pm: All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy. All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.

7:54pm: Siantonas has Jasper from The Simpsons' beard.

7:55pm: Michael just came.

7:55pm: Jeremy Paxman looks like someone's mum.

7:57pm: Michael could do with borrowing Bath's shampoo.