Skip to main content

'University Challenged 2016/17: Volume Five (08.08.16)'


Don’t let the fact I’m taking part in the biggest arts festival in the world make you think I’ve lost sight of my priorities; if there’s an episode of University Challenge airing, I’ll always do my best to live-tweet it.

…and what a cracker it was tonight, with a hairy / bearded man of dubious style and questionable fashion choices on each team. I know I shouldn’t be so unkind when I watch it, but as I’ve said before, this meanness stems entirely from jealousy; if not for the students’ look, then for their obvious intelligence. At their age, I could barely even remember my own name.

Oriel Oxford Vs. Manchester (08.08.16)

7:31pm: Paxman's hair, channeling John Craven.

7:32pm: Tobias? TOBIAS?

7:32pm: "I'm Joseph Bath and I NEED A BATH.”

7:33pm: Siantonas, son of John Cleese's mountain-exploding character in The Holy Grail.

7:34pm: Bath thinks he's in Bon Jovi.

7:34pm: There's no substance more fluffy than Bath's hair.

7:35pm: No-one's ever said Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so sinisterly.

7:35pm: Siantonas? C**t.

7:36pm: Isn't Oriel Oxford a type of biscuit?

7:38pm: Because Siantonas' name wasn't flamboyant enough.

7:38pm: Michael has a pile of corpses in his shed.

7:38pm: Michael likes to see you suffer.

7:40pm: Siantonas is a direct descendent of John Thomson's American scientist in The Fast Show.

7:43pm: Michael's eight favourite films: Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw V, Saw VI, Saw 3D, Saw Legacy.

7:44pm: Scanlon's ironic face.

7:45pm: After the recording, Siantonas and Bath went back to their shared bedsit to listen to prog.

7:47pm: Tobias: future Prime Minister.

7:49pm: Anyone who confuses Bo Diddley with Cole Porter is a menace to society.

7:51pm: Bath's hair, Siantonas' beard, Bath's hair, Siantonas' beard, BATH'S HAIR, SIANTONAS' BEARD.

7:53pm: All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy. All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy.

7:54pm: Siantonas has Jasper from The Simpsons' beard.

7:55pm: Michael just came.

7:55pm: Jeremy Paxman looks like someone's mum.

7:57pm: Michael could do with borrowing Bath's shampoo.
Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

'...I'm Gonna Look at You 'til My Eyes Go Blind."

Over the past week or two, I’ve been on a bit of a Sheryl Crow kick, largely thanks to rediscovering her cover of one of my most-liked Bob Dylan songs. She has one of my favourite female voices, yet despite this, I only own one CD and that’s just a single (her '97 release ‘Hard to Make a Stand’); on that basis, you can only imagine how much of her back catalogue I’d own if I hated her (it would fall into minus-figures). Dylan, conversely, takes up more of my collection than anyone else, save The Beatles and Paul McCartney’s solo work. He’s one of those artists who, when you get him, you really get him - and once I’d tuned into his style as a student, I'd time and again be blown away by his lyrics; he’ll have more jaw-dropping imagery in one track than other people fit in a whole career. These days, I mostly listen to music in the morning when getting ready, and more often than not, this will consist of a suggested YouTube playlist when I’m in the bath, r...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more