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'Strictly Come Tweeting: Week Thirteen (09.12.17)


Tonight saw tensions mount in the Strictly studio as the celebs faced their penultimate chance to show the judges and public what they can do.

This evening’s spanner in the works was they each had to do two dances instead of one, so had less time to fit in more training during the week. Everyone came out of this excellently, with all manner of different routines showing off their crazy versatility.

As ever, I tweeted my little heart out: here's what I said:

6:50PM: Sorry for being pedantic, but it's not really a semi-final, is it?

6:53PM: How many "Fuck off, Tess'" tonight?

6:56PM: Every week, before I go out, I watch a rundown of clips from the public on my iPad, telling me how great I am too.

6:57PM: I think Joe's splendid.

6:57PM: Live singers. Not dead: LIVE.

6:58PM:

6:59PM: Bruno gets a bonus in his pay packet every time he stands up. Not a euphemism.

7:01PM: The Glitter Ball always looks like it's been made on Blue Peter to me.

7:04PM: They should have at least one stalker in each of the supportive fan video clips.

7:04PM: Tess Daly is sponsored by Frontal Lobotomy UK.

7:08PM: Did Darcey just say Alexandra had "a wonderful cereal quality"?

7:11PM: Tess doesn't remember any of the past contestants; Tess has never seen any of the dances.

7:14PM: Can they put together a clip for Tess to watch on an iPad too?
"Fuck off, Tess."
"Fuck off, Tess."
"Tess. Fuck off."
"Fuck off, Tess."
...etc.

7:18PM: All the "ahhs" and "ohhhs" from the audience sound like they're watching a disappointing firework display.

7:22PM: Gemma's dress went through the shredder for containing sensitive information.

7:23PM: Darcey's earrings look like glittery onion rings.

7:26PM: I can't stop saying "Torpid" in the style of Craig.

7:31PM: During Debbie and Giovanni's first routine I ate seventeen Crunchies.

7:34PM: I'm still saying it. "TORPID".

7:37PM: Why are the judges all sitting around that strange Perspex table?

7:40PM: That last lift: HOW?

7:41PM: Joe and Katya are either wearing strange bondage gear, or they're about to visit Go Ape.

7:50PM: I think Alexandra's a hugely versatile performer, but I just can't believe her as a person.

7:51PM: I just remembered about Brucie and now I'm sad.

7:56PM: So many candles and not a single joss-stick.

8:00PM: The last thing you'd want if you were crying is Android Tess consoling you.

8:05PM: Picturing the bullies in The Simpsons. #MySharona

8:09PM: Sorry, but you've lost me now; I'll be singing the bass line to My Sharona for the rest of the evening.

8:12PM: Isn't She the Lovely Debbie McGee?

8:12PM: Isn't She Lovely: top, top, top, top song.
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