Eurovision Song Contest (18.05.19): Tweet Extravaganza.

Much as I have done many a year previously, this evening I found myself tweeting along with tonight's Eurovision Song Contest.

 I decided to immortalise my commentary for the sake of future generations. Here goes: 
8:01PM: Surely all the contestants should travel separately though, like with the royal family. 
8:04PM: Didn't I see the host sitting on top of my nan's toilet roll once?
8:05PM: Will Theresa May step off the plane to the tune of Dancing Queen?
8:07PM: Dana International forgot to take her outfit off its coat-hanger.
8:10PM: Because pyros & planes definitely mix. 
8:13PM: I can't wait for Papa Bendi.
8:19PM: Malta: poor man's Joss Stone. 
8:20PM: Sometimes, I perform in the second position.
8:23PM: Having to halt my #Eurovision viewing experience to call my dad to remind him the Amazon Echo name he needs to remember is Alexa. 
Not Melissa.Not Electra. 
(I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to his bedside table)
It's ALEXA.
8:25PM: A band of guys playing musical instruments, who've never ever held or played a musical instrument.
8:26PM: The #CZE singer's legs have gone to sleep, yet he still soldiers on.
8:28PM: Sister Sister. I remember that. #DEU 
8:29PM: Everyone looks so young. God, I'm getting old.
8:30PM: I love singing earnestly into someone else's face. Fuckin' love it.
8:31PM: It's no David Hasselhof.
8:32PM: I bet this one's Donald Trump's favourite. #RUS
8:33PM: This had better be about cathedrals. #RUS 
8:37PM: Pizzicato Enya keys? #DNK
8:38PM: "A taste of love". Euphemistic. #DNK 
8:40PM: I don't think her braces are taking the weight of her trousers. I bet they're just for show. #DNK
8:42PM: Don't you just hate it when you can't find a matching watch chain. #SMR 
8:43PM: Richard Fairbrass goes solo. #SMR 
8:43PM: San Marino are clearly going to win. 
8:47PM: Don't forget the kids, for Chrissakes. DON'T FORGET THE KIDS. #MKD 
8:47PM: Perfect to pass a tricky stool too. #MKD 
8:54PM: "Everything reminds me of your face" ; sounds like a compliment, but could be an insult. #SWE
8:56PM: This one's making me feel uncomfortably voyeuristic. #SVN
8:59PM: Have they nicked @johnshuttlewrth's keyboard? #SVN
9:01PM: Does she realise...?Is she aware that...?
I don't know where to look. #CVP 
9:01PM: That's what happens when you walk crotch-first into a chandelier. #CVP 
9:01PM: That's what happens when you walk crotch-first into a chandelier. #CVP
9:05PM: "Loving you is an oozing game?" #NLD
9:08PM: Someone give her an adenoid operation. #GRC
9:10PM: I love it when people perform in-front of a giant, squat, stout condom.#GRC 
9:23PM: If it's bigger than us, you don't need to say it's bigger than you and me. #GBR 
9:29PM: A load of gimps, dancing around a massive immovable hamster ball. #ISL
9:38PM: She wasn't born this time last year. I'm not sure she was even born at the start of tonight's show. #BLR
9:42PM: "For the first verse, he'll sing while two robotic arms fire a laser image of a heart onto his chest."
Who pitches this stuff? #AZE
9:48PM: Shaggy's back...and this time, he's Italian. 
9:55PM: Comfy jewellery. #SRB
10:00PM: Good place to store your receipts. #AUS 
10:02PM: Channelling Kate Bush. #AUS
10:06PM: Staging that's part-Jailhouse Rock, part-Baby, When You're Gone...with a weird Wicker Man thing thrown in for good measure. #ESP
10:07PM: Imagine living in that house though. You'd get no privacy. #ESP
10:19PM: Kenny Everett.
10:22PM: You can see her starfish.
10:24PM: And now we've gone full-on panto. I predict a slosh scene.
10:27PM: Ah, sexy chain-mail.
10:54PM: I once saw a kid on the bus on his way home from school, working his way through a whole packet of Pink Wafers - savouring each one - and then washing them down with a family-sized bottle of Coke.
That's how I feel after watching #Eurovision tonight.
10:57PM: What about her depth perception? 
11:04PM: I knew I shouldn't have had that disco biscuit.
11:04PM: Is Jarvis Cocker going to come out, wiggling his bum?
11:16PM: I love how the voting segment reminds us that wherever you go, we're all socially awkward.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...
Read more