Nothing Fast About It.


I found myself trapped in a confusing conversation today whilst ordering breakfast in Wetherspoons.

I was there for a business meeting with Glyn - because there’s no better backdrop than a cheap chain pub - and had decided to opt for porridge for frühstück sitting number two (having already had cornflakes before leaving the house) with no inkling of the corner I was about to paint myself into.

Now, it’s necessary for the ‘spoon-uninitiated to know they serve porridge in two varieties - with honey and banana or with blueberries - and I normally plump for the former, though this wasn’t possible today.
“What would you like, sir”, asked the bar staff in an attempt to sound formal while also making me feel I shouldn’t be there.
“Porridge with honey and banana, please”, I replied.
“We’re out of bananas.”
“Oh, okay…in which case, can I have it without the banana?”
“No, it’s been taken off the till”

Ironically, I usually carry a banana just in case (though in this case of what, I've no idea), but didn’t put one in my bag today; if I had it, perhaps we could have found some sort of compromise, if I’d bartered using my fruit as leverage.

I thought I’d found a way to break the system: “In which case, could I have the porridge with blueberries instead?”
“Sorry, we’re out of blueberries too.”
“In which case, I’ll just have the porridge then.”
“We’re out of porridge.”

Why did it take so long to be told this? Surely the lack of porridge should have been raised at the earliest opportunity, as opposed to the lack of extras. So I had to order a veggie breakfast instead, despite not wanting it; so much for a health kick.

Once I’d ordered my food, I went to the coffee machines to be faced by another brainteaser; there were two people in front of me, both of whom wanted hot drinks (I feel I’m setting up a GCSE Maths question). One wanted a tea and the other a white coffee, and the machine in front of the person who wanted tea’s selections were limited to just coffee and the coffee person wanted tea - but neither of them could work out the way to fix their problem that was absolutely glaring them in the face. I tried to chip in, but all I did was compound the confusion. It was at that point I thought I’d step aside; there’s just no accounting for the general public at breakfast time. 

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