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Animal House.


It was a clear measure of my self-control that I left Pets at Home today without a guinea pig.

It wouldn’t have been the first time I'd come out with an impromptu pet. My flat has previously acted as an ark to a pair of zebra finches and Russian dwarf hamsters, and is currently home to two budgies and a cat. I also live with my wife, but she doesn’t count as livestock, except for when we go through passport control. It's the cheapest way for her to leave the country.

I love having animals around me. They’re good for the soul. I may not take my beast appreciation as far as Brian Blessed (who lives with two thousand of them; two thousand!), but I’ll always have a pet or two around the house. They don’t ask for much, save food and attention, and they’re almost always pleased to see you. Except for cats, who often look at you with disdain, but I like to think I can see through it.

Guinea pigs are the next four-legged creature on my secret checklist. I just need a house with a garden. I’d like to own a pair called Nimoy and Shatner: one will have big ears and the other will look like Michael Myers (the character in Halloween and not the star of Wayne's World 2 and other projects).

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