Covert Ephgrave.


I’ve already discussed my love of overhearing snippets of conversation on this blog.

I don’t seek them out in a voyeuristic, Chuck Berry video-camera-hidden-in-a-public-toilet type way (Google it); they just tend to follow me about. I’m always catching something that sounds bizarre, amusing or mundane out of context, and then tweeting it to remember it.

It occurred to me today that, while I’ve documented some of my favourite unintentionally eavesdropped classics here before, I did it nearly two years ago. Bearing this in mind, see below for some of the best utterances I’ve accidentally monitored - and then less accidentally catalogued on Twitter - since October 2013; that’s very specific.

"No amount of money would make me work on a Sunday. Unless you offered me five hundred quid."

CHILD: "Can we see a clown?"
MUM: "No. Sorry. There are no clowns about at the moment."

"We're going to walk back to the car, have a fairly long journey - and then we can have some ham."

"The longest relationship I had at primary school was two weeks".

"The more I think about laminate flooring, the more I like it".

"I love necklaces, but I don't know what to do with necklaces."  

"He had a book by Adolf Hitler, signed by Adolf Hitler."

"Just because you can do it as an Excel spreadsheet doesn't mean you should."

"She was out all night going crazy: dancing on tables, canoeing, things like that."

"Do you want to buy the Cliff Richard calendar? He's smiling."

"The Euro's different, innit?"

"We don't often sing descant parts at the women's choir as our squeezebox only copes with simple chords."

"Did you know Marcus is circumcised? He actually is."

"No, I can't eat Dairy Milk. It's got 'dairy' in it".

“If you walk into A&E covered in blood, they'll see you.”

"When the three of us met up the other day we managed just ten minutes without talking about aircraft".

"It's all about reputation - and who's got the biggest bollocks".

"She's entitled to her opinion, but her opinion isn't right."

"The horse box costs us about £1500 a year to keep on the road legally." 

"He carried on getting the spots for at least five days."

"She was a bit wobbly, but only balance-wise."

"I struggle to understand Avril's motive for anything. What is she trying to achieve?"

"We told Tim we were lesbians and he actually believed us."

"I don't go for none of that wax shit. I just wash it and blow-dry it, then I'm done".

"Sam, stop it. We do NICE colouring in."

"I'm making a sausage & bean casserole tonight, if I can measure out the beans".

"At the end of the day, each to their own."

"Some camp men are not gay."

"I can smell kippers. Can you smell kippers?"

"The good thing about Hancock Tower is it's reinforced by a central grid structure."

"It's crescent-shaped and you can fit it in the palm of your hand."

"In years gone by, when I was a kid, they used to come up Jackman's Estate and sand it".

"Every ten years, the human body completely rejuvenates its bones."

"I wish it was next Saturday tomorrow."

"This map is shit."

"I'll see you down the alleyway in five minutes."

"At the end of the day I'm not going to miss those DVDs, am I?".

“You can do a wee without doing a poo, but you can't do a poo without doing a wee.”

"...which destroyed trampolining in this country."

I love the general public.

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