Skip to main content

Clarkson's Bookface.


Thanks to literally minutes of research I have come to the conclusion that Jeremy Clarkson is asked to sum up each of his books in just one facial expression at the cover shoot.

It’s really quite a skill, when you think about it. Take his 2009 book, 'Driven to Distraction': 


466 pages, which – working on the assumption that a typical hardback averages at around 350 words per page – would total 163100 words. 163100 words, neatly summed up with an expression I would best describe as ‘resigned acceptance’.

(Showing my workings.)

Then there’s his 2012 tome, 'Round the Bend': 

432 pages (an average of 151200 words, give or take) - all summed up with a look of mild distress. Perhaps the punning title was causing Jeremy to lose sleep;  judging from the Daily Telegraph quote, he had very little to worry about.

A year later, and his anxiousness has been replaced with a look of serenity. 


I guess this should come as no surprise: he’d reached volume five of his 'The World According to Clarkson' series, and was no doubt enjoying a sense of creative plateau. I bet the photo shoot took a matter of minutes: his cheekily asymmetrical shirt-cuff certainly suggests that he didn’t hang about.

Spin back seven years to ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ and Clarkson’s demeanour is that of a man who’s relaxed and at one with himself. 


Here’s a chap who’s found his stride – and while his body language suggests a direct lift from Eastenders' Mike Reid, the outfit shows a disregard for smartness: remove the jacket and you're left with a person who just hasn’t made an effort.

By the time you reach 2012’s ("I got paid most for") 'The Top Gear Years', Jeremy's high standards have returned: 


Okay, he may not have felt the need to leave the photographic studio to pose in the actual presence of the car in the background - but what's a little superimposition between friends?

Here's a man who never had to face the chore of presenting Total Wipeout.

In summary, it seems that the dust jackets of Clarkson's oeuvre express the full length and breadth of human emotion. Perhaps one day I'll be tempted to delve a little further: if the inner content is half as rewarding, I'm in for a treat.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...