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Looking Ahead.

I'm currently struggling to deal with my feelings about the direction my life is going; partly to do with the coronavirus situation and partly not.

The future's always been a difficult concept for me to consider, or believe in. It doesn't help that my circumstances when I was a child hardwired a sense of not being worthy of happiness or good enough. While I've spent years working on being kinder to myself and now understand that the idea that I don't deserve to be happy is irrational, I'm still very hard on myself. I put myself down quickly, and worry that I don't work hard enough or serve a purpose, or provide sufficiently for my family.

As a teenager, I couldn't look ahead. I put a time-limit on my life, and while I was very ambitious, I told myself I wouldn't make it past nineteen. It felt like my parents' problems were my fault and mine to fix, and mine were unimportant. At best, I was a creative person - what with my band and my interest in acting - but I would never be happy personally and whether I liked it or not, my time here wouldn't be long.

It took a good fifteen years to challenge my low self-worth, and if it weren't for my wife, I don't know that I would ever have done it, or grasped I'm not deficient and that I didn't have to abandon every relationship before I let people down or they discovered the 'truth' about me. I was so mired in a deep clinical depression that felt untreatable, but she patiently understood my feelings while pushing me toward proper help. After fifteen years together, she still hears me say terrible things and supports me through my rough patches, but understands it's part and parcel with me and doesn't mind that, because she thinks I'm worth it. I'm so grateful for that, though I still worry that I'm too self-serving and wish she didn't have to deal with the challenges that go with being with me.

But despite the struggle, it's the glimpses of a simpler future that keep me going. When things are bad, I turn my attention to the small joys like walking my dog in the fields or spending an evening watching television with my wife and enjoying each other's company. Because those things are uncomplicated and to be enjoyed. My wife's and my late dad's faith and support are the rock I needed; thank God I had that as other people aren't so lucky.
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