I'm adjusting to a world where the voice behind my frequently unhelpful self-editing is no longer in my arsenal.
(No bum jokes here, please.)
Pretty much every time I write, perform, tweet, speak or think, a part of my brain kicks in, assessing how a particular person in my life will react to it. I wish that were an exaggeration, but it's true. Admittedly, I'm internalising, but it's an act of self-protection as it was easier to run it past the fictional version of them than face the wrath of the real one.
Now, albeit in the worst circumstances, I'm turning to a new dawn, where their view isn't relevant. Doing this involves limiting exposure to both the imaginary and real voice; neither will be easy as they've been there forever, but as the years progressed, they became synonymous with being made to feel guilty at the expense of me. The relationship was imbalanced with more emphasis on making me feel bad for not living up to their expectations than acknowledging anything good.
One of the main things therapy teaches you is you can't change other people's behaviour, you can only change how you react to it. And one thing I've learnt from dealing with this person, particularly in the past year, is their grip on reality is slim. They're also not someone you can talk to openly, and if you can't speak freely and be heard, it's not a two-way conversation. And if you can't ever make them happy, even when you did what they wanted at the expense of your personal values, then you probably never will.
So now's the time for growth. Because when you realise you approach everything you say and do by scanning it for potential problems from a person who's never done the same for you, you see you're living in the shadow of someone whose only interested in restricting you. And they've never liked the real you; just the version they wish you'd be. But there's is just one perspective out 7.8 billion, however much they try to drown the rest out; so let's listen to a different voice for a bit.