Conscious Social Distancing.

I'm navigating a situation at the moment that threatens to overwhelm me if I'm not careful. 

(Thankfully, I have support, and I'm approaching things mindfully, but it takes a lot of careful management to keep my panic at bay...except I shouldn't have to do that.)

To make matters worse, the other party's never careful. If they feel wronged, they lash out. And they feel wronged always. That's not hyperbole; if anything, I underplay it. And in their world, a lie's as good as the truth if it has the desired effect. And what's the difference? Now's the only reality and everything else is projection. And nothing is sacred if it strengthens their point.

(With that mentality, years of abusive behaviour can be dismissed in a few seconds, because it didn't affect them negatively; not for me though as I lived through it with awareness.)

Yesterday was a struggle. More than once, I felt on the verge of giving up. At one point, I looked at one of my dad's paintings in tears as it served to underline that, despite still being tangible, he can't come back. When he was here, (x)'s dogma was at least slightly in check, but now he's gone, the mask is off.

But then I remember their behaviour's a gift because it gives me a choice, in the same way, they chose to never let anything stand in the way of what they wanted. And if someone's prepared to make a child the culprit, when that child is an adult he can walk off. Because our relationship was one-way. But now it's over and I won't go back. Because when they were drowning I did my best to help them, but when I was drowning, they held me down to keep themselves afloat.