Compulsive Masticator.


Sometimes, I have very little patience with humanity; last night was such a time.

I was travelling back from my preview in London when I found myself opposite a man on the train, who was displaying the sort of horrific eating habits you’re likely to be confronted with when on a train late in the evening (as Eric Clapton might put it).

As is often my way, I decided to vent some spleen about him on Twitter, as apsychological release; here’s what transpired, compiled together for posterity; enjoy:

9:56PM: There's a guy in the second carriage of the 21:52 fast train to Cambridge who's eating crisps in a way that makes us all a part of it.

9:58PM: To compound the situation he's wearing headphones...and keeps wiping his face elaborately with the back of his arm after each & every crisp.

9:58PM: I won't lie: it's disgusting.

10:00PM: He just answered the phone by saying "Yow". He's also getting off at Hitchin. I'm very disappointed.

10:01PM: I dislike him intensely.

10:02PM: It's an abominably massive packet of crisps. They're Walker's Sensations.

10:05PM: The packet of crisps is on the shared table in front of him. Dead centre. Lift, crunch crunch crunch WIPE crunch crunch crunch.

10:05PM: He thinks he's IT.

10:05PM: (Not Tim Curry.)

10:07PM: Does he need to make such a meal of it? (No pun intended)

10:07PM: He just tipped his head back and poured a handful down his gullet.

10:08PM: Never has a face been wiped so much.

10:09PM: Big glug of Coke.

10:10PM: Huis clos.

10:12PM: Big ole sniff.

10:13PM: He's having a good hard pick at his teeth in-between Coke glugs.

10:13PM: I may share a taxi with him.

10:16PM: He just answered a second call with "'S'up". Obnoxious shit.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Hoo-ray and up She Rises.

So much has happened since my last post in March that this blog risks sounding like an itinerary. The main news is that Hitchin Mostly Comedy will return in the summer at a new venue, the Queen Mother Theatre . The road to this decision was convoluted, though enough fell into place en route to leave me optimistic about this new start. The catalyst was a survey I ran via our mailing list a few months back, in which I asked, "If the club returned in the current climate, with tickets still around £15 (and with similar line-ups), would you still attend?"; the response to which, in simple terms, was a resounding yes. Nearly 250 mailing list subscribers responded in a single week, with around a hundred also taking the option to leave some feedback. And only two people were abusive, which counts as a win when you consider they posted their comments online anonymously. Imagine how many more insults we would have received if the comedy club was a woman. Particularly if she was Diane ...
Read more