Ephgrave's Eurovision 2017.


People of my age and their parents tend to have a different vision of Europe (see what I did there?) hence the result of last year’s EU Referendum; consequently, I can’t imagine many Daily Mail-reading UK residents beyond retirement age enjoying last night’s Song Contest, despite having grown up with it too, when the vast majority of them made it clear they'd like to keep mainland Europe at a distance (unless they live on the Costa del Sol).

This certainly isn’t the case for me, particularly when faced with such out-and-out camp; Eurovision is always entertaining, notwithstanding the fact my taste in music is so at odds with the competition’s usual fare. So it was that I found myself in front of the TV tonight with my wife, a couple of beers and a range of Euro-snacks, tweeting along to proceedings. See below for my unsolicited commentary:

8:02pm: Twice this year, my TV stopped working at a key moment: once as Big Ben stuck midnight on New Year's Eve, & just now as #Eurovision began.

8:03pm: Forgive me, while I have a fit in the corner.

8:05pm: Salvador from Portugal: first top-knot of the evening.

8:08pm: The presenters are handily positioned from least-to-most glittery jacket increments.

8:09pm: This is entirely improvised banter. Entirely improvised.

8:10pm: Already experiencing teeth-whiteness envy.

8:10pm: Did he just say, "This is the whitest place on Earth"?

8:12pm: Imrie. Celia?

8:13pm: Mmmm. Sleeveless.

8:14pm: I'm feeling love too. Best way to enjoy my evening.

8:14pm: I sing that high when I'm feeling love too. Euphemisms.

8:16pm: Poland's entry's called Fleshlight? Surely not.

8:17pm: Poland's entry sounds like Celine Dion. #NoNoNoNo.

8:18pm: Well, she certainly means it. #Poland #Fleshlight

8:20pm: "Don't shine that torch in my eyes; I've just lost a pint of blood". #Poland #Flashlight

8:22pm: Her hair is reminiscent of Rowlf from the Muppets. #Belarus

8:25pm: I like this. I worry about myself. #aut

8:25pm: He's not running at the moment. #aut

8:25pm: After the show, Belarus and Austria will share a white wash.

8:26pm: "If you let me drown, I'll swim like a champion." Confusing imagery. #aut

8:29pm: I liked it when she moved her arm and the backing went shwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhmmm. #Arm

8:30pm: The women either side of her are extraneous to requirements. #Arm

8:31pm: So pleased about Bananarama reuniting. #Arm

8:33pm: Add their ages together, multiply the outcome by two and the answer will still be younger than me. #Ned

8:34pm: The blonde one looks like Pixie Lott. #Ned

8:34pm: First key change of the evening. #Ned

8:36pm: That presenter has a stubble incapability.

8:38pm: Sunstroke Project? SUNSTROKE PROJECT? ...lost in translation. #MDA

8:39pm: The sax break sounds like M People. #MDA

8:40pm: I do love a nice bunch of SM58flowers. #MDA

8:41pm: The lead singer reminded me of a shorter-haired Bob Downe. #MDA

8:43pm: He looks like Dougal from Father Ted dressed in his Matador stuff. #Hun

8:46pm: What's with the T.I.E. troupe behind him? #ITA

8:48pm: "...I was livid." #ITA

8:52pm: She's shrunk. #DEN

8:55pm: ...posture like Fester Addams. #POR

8:55pm: He's like the Childcatcher. #POR

8:57pm: ...such banter.

8:59pm: She looked like a cat throwing up. #AZE

9:00pm: The horse up the ladder...the new version of the elephant in the room. #AZE

9:02pm: ...like Lynn drawing a chalk penis on the teacher's back. #AZE

9:05pm: ...I know him so well. #CRO

9:06pm: The chest-voice / falsetto highlight of the evening. #CRO

9:11pm: Are we going to be strong and stable?

9:15pm: She has a very shiny leg. #GRE

9:15pm: Will the male dancers dress down or up? #GRE

9:18pm: Seann Walsh and McBusted. #ESP

9:19pm: I liked it when the backing track went bwwwwwwwww. #ESP

9:20pm: Where's the drummer? I can hear a drummer. Where's the drummer? #ESP

9:27pm:  Who needs drama training? THEY NEED DRAMA TRAINING.

9:28pm: The cover of my forthcoming album Br-ephgrav-exit.

9:30pm: ...and the rest of Europe switches off. Thanks Daily Mail, thanks Johnson, thanks over-70s, thanks Farage. Thanks a lot. #GBR

9:33pm: Well done, #GBR. Better than most of our recent entries.

9:38pm: ...is this why my parents voted Leave? I still disagree. #ROU

9:39pm: ...well, this is happening. #ROU

9:40pm: He wants to do something to her with his big canon. #ROU

9:40pm: ...he went for the Partridge kiss. #ROU

9:48pm: A left-handed headstock on a right-handed guitar that actually is a right-handed guitar? madness. #UKR

9:57pm: ...and yet he did go on. #SWE

10:02pm: ...he's almost legally untouchable too. #BUL

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