mostly david ephgrave

I've had some difficult things to deal with in my lifetime, mostly at the hands of the same person, which are being compounded in a way I just don't know how to navigate. The problem is I can't say anything without them laying the blame back in my direction; their instinctive response is to compete: "But what about me ?". It's a mantra I was hearing long before I realised they were abusing their position, yet despite the fact they experienced similar things when they were younger, they won't link it. I worked hard to fight the demons left by their treatment ( "How can you say that?") and kept secrets that weren't mine to keep ("But I'm your --- "). The first eighteen years of my life were a vortex of toxic stress, confusion and fear ("How can you put this in public? It's embarrassing") but because of they were in a position of authority with a duty of care I thought it was my fault or saw myself as the gl...

It's with real sadness and frustration - though it's totally unavoidable - that I've had to cancel my Edinburgh Fringe run. As I've intimated on social media and on my blog, I'm in a punishing situation involving long-standing issues, which have proved too much to work around. Add to this the loss of my dad, the fight to get my PIP reinstated, plus my poor mental health and this final twist was the straw that broke the camel's back. Firstly, I can't thank everyone enough for the ridiculously high level of support I've had to raise the money I couldn't get to due to my dad's assets being frozen after his death. My JustGiving page raised £3120 of the approximate £6500 grand total, which was bloody incredible. I hope no-one thinks the money was pocketed & not used for the cause (said while wearing my gold lamé jacket). While it's true some was spent on things I wouldn't need if I'd known I'd be cancelling - train ticket...

It's been a while, but here's a short interview I did last week about my show for Broadway World: Tell us a bit about Niche. 'Niche' is about embracing my fascination for the small details in life, and realising it's better to be true to who I am than to homogenise myself to be what others expect me to be.  The older I get, the more I accept aspects of my personality and interests I might have kept to myself in the past: yes, I'm a big fan of the band Wings. Yes, I've seen every episode of Diagnosis Murder and enjoyed them all, bar the one that claims vampires are real and the one in which Dick van Dyke plays every member of a whole family. Previously, I would have played these things down, because I was worried people would judge me, but I've since learnt that's ridiculous: I'm allowed to like what I like and sod what anyone thinks. So in this show I'm celebrating the fact others may see me as a niche prospect; so what if I don'...

I've not had the best week in the sense that I've been chasing my tail, trying to get things done and yet never getting close to where I need to be. Nothing's good right now. I know I'm always complaining about doing too much admin, but at the moment, it seems endless; if I'm not trying to sort something to do with my dad's probate situation I'm trying to solve some problem or other to do with Edinburgh that wouldn't have been half as difficult if the money was there. Sadly, everything's framed by this lack of funds, which overwhelms everything else. Nothing about the process is enjoyable right now, other than learning how generous people can be. Today there was a lovely piece in The Comet , which I hope will encourage a few more last-minute donations, but even if I manage to pull the money together, I still need some semblance of a show I'm happy with. Usually, I spend the best part of a year putting these things together; this time, I...

Today, my wife and I took the promotional image for this year's Edinburgh show, so all that's left now is to write it. (And find a technician and flyers, and work out how to get my dog there. And organise shipping of my luggage and equipment, and raise the rest of the money. So nothing much, then.) While time's super-tight for all of the above, I do have flashes of positivity about what's ahead. After all, the show is knowingly a compilation of old material and not a new entity. That was always my intention even before losing my dad, so there's no shame in it still being the case; it's like a placeholder, a premise that conveniently fits the title, 'Niche'. So fuck it. As previously mentioned we set the shot up yesterday, to make today less stressful. After all, it's never fun to split focus between the mechanics of a photo to being its subject. Consequently, it didn't take too long to get something we were happy with, which was a blessed r...

If there was ever any doubt that I look like my dad, this photograph lays it to rest. I found it today while visiting his house to set up a location for my promotional image for Edinburgh (for which all will be revealed shortly). Each time I'm there, I see something that either makes me smile or makes my heart catch in my throat; it's like an exercise in getting closer to him, to be hit by the fact he's now so far away, and I hate that. It's not the first time I've seen a picture where our resemblance is so obvious, but it's still nice to be reminded of it. It looks so like the younger me in my band days, it's ridiculous, even down to the flares, which I used to wear despite the fact it wasn't the 1970s. It's a comfort to know we share this, though I just wish I could take to him about it. I talk to him quite a lot when I'm there on my own. I say how much I miss him and how I wish things weren't as they are, and try to explain the ...

I've finally received word from the DWP today regarding my PIP appeal and they've refused to reinstate it again - although I don't know how to accept the validity of a write-up that starts with "you attended the assessment alone" when my wife came with me. It seems they've again confused my ability to "engage with crowds" when working and potentially mask my anxiety in an interview (because I'm an actor) with a raft of medical evidence put in front of them to the contrary. The DWP's PIP assessors are clearly unable to understand the subtlety of depression and aren't astute enough to know you can be a performer and suffer from it acutely. And it's their job to know this. Meanwhile, I have to withstand their demeaning attitude to my condition and the impact that goes with fighting to make them understand its validity. As the mental health welfare benefits advisor who assists me with my claim put it in an email to them: "I can...

I'm surprised the Mostly Comedy Festival's not selling as well as last year's at the moment, outside of the Dr John Cooper Clarke date, which is long sold out. Perhaps the fact the sold-out gig is markedly more expensive than our other dates (we had to keep in line with the rest of his tour) has had a negative impact. Or more likely, I haven't been promoting it enough lately, but it's hard to find the time when there's so much other stuff to do; today, I had a worrying moment when I finally turned the page on my calendar to see how alarmingly close the Fringe is now, and I'm nowhere near ready. And the inevitable extra admin brought on by lack of money and all those cancelled previews is a perfect storm of stress to add to the equation; it's not a lot of fun. The trick will have to be making every day count for the next few weeks, and to very quickly get to the point of putting down the admin and picking up the show itself. It doesn't have to be ...

There's a lot hanging over my head at the moment - both personal and Edinburgh-related - that could overwhelm me if I let it.  I hate the fact everything's like this when I was so intent on preventing the additional stress that would inevitably come from not being able to access the money for the Fringe. The financial thing is shit and made markedly worse by the loss of my PIP, which is supposedly under review, although I've been waiting two months already with no information; consequently, I have less money and more bills to pay than usual. Usually, in this situation, I would ask my dad for help, but evidently, that isn't an option. I know he'd hate the fact everything's frozen, particularly when he was so keen on my doing Edinburgh, but I think he would have been impressed by how much money's been donated and the kind things said in the process. But Edinburgh's the tip of the iceberg right now; there are terrible things at play that wouldn...