You're a Vision.


Like much of the country (bar Nigel Farage, Jacob Rees Mogg and probably Boris Johnson) I watched last night’s Eurovision, and like many others, I tweeted along to it.

I was so busy doing this, in fact, I actually missed the moment when the guy invaded the stage as I was looking at my phone; I was just about to tweet something along the lines of “What was the rap break about?” when I realised it wasn’t part of it.

See below for my commentary on last night's show; you could even catch up with it on iPlayer while reading along - like watching The Wizard of Oz while listening to Dark Side of the Moon - though that’s a lot of effort.

8:05PM: "...which is Portuguese..."


8:07PM: Will this song ever kick in? With that many drummers, it's got to kick in.

8:08PM: They should rename this the Camp Olympics.

8:09PM: Or 'The Camplympics'.

8:11PM: The Czech Republic are being represented by Matt Smith's Doctor.

8:17PM: Had he been buried alive?

8:19PM: "And the prize for the most unnecessary staircase goes to..."

8:24PM: Picture Michael Flatley, surrounded by damp baggy-sleeved shirts on clothes-airers, with a clutter of empty whisky bottles and full ashtrays at his feet, drunk beyond belief, spitting bile at his television.

8:26PM: Christ. I'm glad I've taken my epilepsy medication.

8:27PM: The flashing can still be seen through my eyelids. #Slo

8:30PM: Don't you just hate it when you melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, mere minutes before your #Eurovision performance. #LTU

8:31PM: She's miming, isn't she?

8:34PM: "When we're old..." we'll still be living in rented accommodation, still reeling from the effects of Brexit. #Eurovision #LTU

8:36PM: All the money blown on his showbiz rostrum left no budget for a shirt made from soft material. #Eurovision

8:38PM: I think my nan used to have her on top of her toilet roll. #EST

8:39PM: I bet you couldn't tumble dry that. #Eurovision #EST

8:44PM: Is he telling us how to write Roll With It? #Eurovision #Nor

8:46PM: Nothing quite like a pair of slate earrings. #POR #Eurovision

8:48PM: So, that's what happened to Keanu Reeves from Saxondale. #POR #Eurovision


8:52PM Apparently, SuRie went to the same school as my wife. TRIVIA. #GBR #Eurovision

8:53PM: Sale of pink hair-dye in Portugal are at an all-time high. #Eurovision

Well, it was no Jarvis Cocker at The Brits. #GBR #Eurovision

9:02PM: Germany's hair is on loan from Mick Hucknall. #GER #Eurovision

9:05PM: Waiting for Sully to come through one of those doors.

9:06PM: Too lazy to hold the weight of his own fucking guitar. #ALB #Eurovision

9:08PM: How long before they rope him into singing for Queen? #ALB #Eurovision

9:10PM: s she just singing a Year 7 French lesson? #Eurovision

9:16PM: Trouser length inspired by those original Star Trek uniforms. #Eurovision #CZE

9:19PM: So that's what happened to the staff of the Jorvik Viking Experience. #Eurovision #DEN

9:32PM: Moribund / Finland. #Eurovision #FIN


9:35PM: What the actual fuck is this? #BUL #EUROVISION

9:37PM: NOW WE'RE TALKING. #MDA #EUROVISION

9:38PM: It's like Tony Hancock trying to avoid choosing mince & beans from the serving hatches in The Economy Drive. #Eurovision #MDA

9:42PM: I wish someone would "dance me off". #Eurovision #SWE

9:48PM: Don't the #Eurovision lighting designers realise they'll waste more electricity constantly flashing the lights than if they just left them on?

9:49PM: "He wrote this." #Eurovision

9:51PM: ..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................right. #ISR #EUROVISION

9:52PM: think my acid just kicked in. #ISR #Eurovision

9:53PM: From the country that brought us Jesus. #ISR #Eurovision

9:56PM: *Shit version of Life in the Fast Lane* #Eurovision #NED

10:00PM: I love a bit of bridge-based contemporary dance. #Eurovision #IRL

10:01PM: We still live in a world where a country won't broadcast same-sex dancers. #Eurovision

10:02PM: Ireland's song and staging was very sweet. #Eurovision #IRL

10:03PM: I don't think that's technically clothing. #CYP #Eurovision

10:10PM: I suspect the stage invasion may work in our favour. #Eurovision #GBR

10:22PM:

This feels like the credit sequence of a Bond film. #Eurovision

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