Brushstrokes.


My chosen brand of toothpaste promises whiter teeth in fourteen days. Will this be the case ad infinitum? 


I can’t imagine it makes your teeth progressively white for the rest of time. You’d soon reach optimum whiteness. What would you do then? Switch to a different toothpaste? No-one wants to look like Donny Osmond.  

(Except for, perhaps, the other Osmonds, though they don’t have much of a choice.)

The time frame on the box is alarmingly precise. Not twelve days, or thirteen, but fourteen. So, you won’t notice any change to your teeth until exactly a fortnight in. If true, the impact of your morning routine on day fourteen would be nothing short of miraculous.

If you stopped brushing a couple of days before, would you see no improvement? Conversely, if you used this brand for the rest of your life, how long before you look like you’ve swallowed a UV light?

This isn’t my only issue. Take a look at this:


A brand that suggests you should have a tooth with no others in close proximity is not to be trusted. A light must be shone on this dental negligence. You’ve heard of Watergate and Plebgate. This will be known as Colgategate.

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