Skip to main content

Lost in Translation.


For some reason I'm never able to make people understand what I’m saying.

It happens all the time, so much so that I’ve started to account for it. I’ll walk into a situation with a readily-prepared statement in my head – and consciously take my time when saying it; trying to allow for the inevitable confusion that follows in my wake.

Even all this forward-thinking doesn’t seem to help; more often than not, I still end up with conversational egg all over my face.

It occurs most frequently in bars and restaurants. A good example took place a couple of months ago. I’d met up with a friend in a local pub - and, as I’m generally not drinking alcohol at the moment, I decided to have a hot drink instead.

I walked up to the side of the bar where the coffee machine was situated. Behind it stood a big sign that said ‘Speciality Teas Available’. I’m a bit of a herbal tea nut, so this was right up my street.

A surly, monosyllabic barman loitered over. I didn’t know he was monosyllabic yet, admittedly, but from the looks of him the chance was high.

“Yeah?” he said (I was right.)
“Hi there. What teas do you do?”
He looked at me like I’d just shat in his mouth.What?” 
(Never had so much venom been concentrated in so few letters.)
“I just…wondered what teas you do”, I replied, losing faith. “The sign says you do different teas.”
His face screwed up with a mix of confusion and derision. “Just...TEA,” he spat.

All while the large sign behind him contradicted what he was saying, in big, jolly writing.

I guess part of the problem lies in asking for something that’s a little unexpected. This was definitely the case this morning, when I popped into my local garage to do some shopping.

A few days ago I bought a Kit Kat from the same garage - and, on opening the wrapper, I discovered that I’d instantly won another; an offer that can be redeemed at selected stores. I’d been carrying the wrapper around ever since. As I’d bought the Kit Kat from the same place, I thought I’d see if I could claim it while I was there.

“Hi there. I won a Kit Kat in a wrapper the other day," I said. "Can I claim them here?” 
"Pardon?"
"I won another Kit-Kat in a wrapper I bought here the other day. Do you do that promotion here?"

The woman looked at me, confused, then turned to her colleague and said, ”This man says he’s won a Kit Kat in a raffle.”

Perhaps in future I’ll just do all my shopping on the internet.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...