Fearing the Known Unknowns.

Life's sent me into a bit of a mad panic over the past few days.

I don't know how to create any stability in the current circumstances without the small income I take from Mostly Comedy, and with the vast majority of the money I inherited after my dad died being piled back into buying my mum out of his house at a price that shows no concession for who she's dealing with. My work is on hold until the COVID-19 situation eases, and I'm putting a lot of energy into our podcast in the meantime in the hope of creating a financial stopgap for the club (except it's currently making a loss).

On top of this, I'm trying to process the events surrounding my dad's death and my mum's active decision to not fix them. Despite her frequent disrespect for personal boundaries and inability to discuss a different perspective, I always assumed ours was a protected relationship. But I was wrong. Her words during our final conversation when I suggested a path to repair the situation, "Well, I don't think we'll ever see each other again anyway", show the chasm between our personalities. The blunt things she says with ease as you attempt to negotiate only illustrate how much she takes getting her way for granted. Consequently, she's the only person in my inner circle who could ever let things escalate to a total break in contact without even knowing how or why it happened and how easily we could have avoided it. Because she can never offer a solution, only a complaint.

So now I'm left in a situation where I have to keep myself safe and try to spend the next chapter of my life making my own family priority with two key figures ripped from it. I've learnt a lot, and I'm trying to rebuild without wasting further time on the emotional black hole I was confronted with; it's a toughie and no mistake.

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