Balancing Act.
I'm struggling with dark thoughts at the moment; a familiar territory reinstated by my circumstances.
The best way to manage difficult emotions is to approach them kindly and without judgment. Being hard on yourself for being hard on yourself is counterproductive. The physio I see for my vestibular migraines uses the analogy of keeping a glass topped up to prevent my vertigo attacks; if tiredness, stress or caffeine trigger symptoms, the trick is to minimise exposure to reduce the chance of it.
With depression, that's more difficult, as with recovery from emotional abuse. You may have strategies in place to combat it, but when the problem's less tangible, it can be harder to identify the triggers, and therefore easier to blame yourself. And, like anything, the tools might not always work, particularly when you're challenged considerably. And if it's severe, you somehow have to keep yourself safe, which can be very hard when you're in a pit.
The other day it was my dad's birthday, which inevitably made me feel vulnerable. There's an unfillable hole in the planet since he left it. His presence also kept my mum's expectations more in check. She always was demanding, but the more time she spends away from his company, the more impenetrable she gets. Her inability to hear beyond your first few words when she's angry and her reinvention of the past make unpleasant bedfellows. She'll happily shift past events around until she's blameless.
I know losing both parents in different ways has made my low mood more prevalent. The fact my mum's prepared to make my financial situation worse in the knowledge it was already tested (and a trigger itself) and when she could have shown more kindness feels awful too. But that's her choice. I'm just frightened by how often these things threaten to overwhelm me. I want a future that isn't compromised by my past. I regularly find myself trying to steady my balance on a tightrope. And when you stumble, the risk of falling's all too real. It only takes one misstep.
