mostly david ephgrave

Today saw my first proper venture out of the house that wasn't to walk the dog, to meet a friend in a pub garden for a catch-up. While I'm very much of the 'not going to places unless you truly have to' camp at the moment, we did our best to remain socially distant and sat outside too. And while we've talked a lot via text or Zoom these past few months, it was nice to engage in conversation across a table in the real world for a change; let's hope we didn't contract anything in the process. Both of us have been having a difficult time lately and have vented a lot between us, though however bad things get, we still manage to laugh about it. Our relationship has always been a case of chasing the next joke, which is sometimes the best thing to do when things have turned to shit. His situation's been multiplied by being forced to start a crazily stressful delivery job that's out of his comfort zone, while also living alone. I don't know how I'd h...

Life's sent me into a bit of a mad panic over the past few days. I don't know how to create any stability in the current circumstances without the small income I take from Mostly Comedy, and with the vast majority of the money I inherited after my dad died being piled back into buying my mum out of his house at a price that shows no concession for who she's dealing with. My work is on hold until the COVID-19 situation eases, and I'm putting a lot of energy into our podcast in the meantime in the hope of creating a financial stopgap for the club (except it's currently making a loss). On top of this, I'm trying to process the events surrounding my dad's death and my mum's active decision to not fix them. Despite her frequent disrespect for personal boundaries and inability to discuss a different perspective, I always assumed ours was a protected relationship. But I was wrong. Her words during our final conversation when I suggested a path to repai...

I spend a lot of time ruminating over the events of my childhood and those surrounding my dad's death. It returns, repeatedly, without choice. That's the nature of trauma from emotional abuse. And the impact when it's at its worst is frightening and can put me at risk. Recovery's often a case of one step forward, two steps back. You occasionally make leaps apparently from nowhere, though progress is fragile, particularly when you've been conditioned to take the blame, or made to feel your pain's only real if the person who causes it can see it. I hope this doesn't sound conceited, but yesterday, as I lay in the garden mulling it over, a statement came fully-formed in my head. And though I'd heard it before, at that moment, it had clarity:  "It's not your fault. You did your best. And if your dad were here, he'd see it." I can't understate what a massive shift this is. And last night, I had a glass of wine to celebr...

I'm at the very early stages of planning a new podcast about narcissistic abuse, and I'm quite excited about it. It's a subject I'm still getting to grips with, though the act of reading up on it (and talking to other people who've experienced it) is helping me come to terms with it. Every day, I learn little details that put what's happened into perspective. And while I'm still delicate, there's been progress. Just today, I had a mini-revelation that took a little weight off. I was watching a video from a series recommended by a friend that was discussing toxic logic when the penny finally dropped on the common point that narcissists have no empathy and no rules apply to them. While I'd read that frequently and even remarked about it, I hadn't processed it, because it's such an alien concept when you  are  empathetic. So much of the pain comes from asking the question, "Why me?" and "Why wasn't I enough?"...

I'm struggling with dark thoughts at the moment; a familiar territory reinstated by my circumstances. The best way to manage difficult emotions is to approach them kindly and without judgment. Being hard on yourself for being hard on yourself is counterproductive. The physio I see for my vestibular migraines uses the analogy of keeping a glass topped up to prevent my vertigo attacks; if tiredness, stress or caffeine trigger symptoms, the trick is to minimise exposure to reduce the chance of it. With depression, that's more difficult, as with recovery from emotional abuse. You may have strategies in place to combat it, but when the problem's less tangible, it can be harder to identify the triggers, and therefore easier to blame yourself. And, like anything, the tools might not always work, particularly when you're challenged considerably. And if it's severe, you somehow have to keep yourself safe, which can be very hard when you're in a pit. The othe...

Wednesday afternoon's interview with Josh Widdicombe was the relaxed, easygoing chat I hoped and expected it would be and will make for an entertaining episode, I think. Us and Josh, during last night's Zoom interview (15.07.20) It's funny as, from the outside looking in, he's one of the bigger names we've interviewed, although the way we came into contact with him makes this feel less significant, as regards intimidation at least. Not only was he one of the club's regulars during its earliest days, but we also shared a Free Fringe venue with a split-bill show of him and James Acaster with them in immediately after us, so we were relaxed with them both. It helps that, like James, he's just a nice guy with no arrogance, who's remained that way, irrespective of his success. And as far as I'm concerned, those are the best people. So this allowed the interview to flow with ease and without pretension. Plus it was great to catch up. And it's ...

Yesterday's podcast interview with Anna Morris was another nice one, with some lovely stories about fortuitous moments, where the universe just seemed to step in on her behalf. Stills from last night's ZOOMostly Comedy with Anna Morris. While I'm a realist, perhaps counterintuitively, I'm also a firm believer in following the moment without overthinking it too. When it comes to creativity, that's often the best route to take. The best ideas usually come quickly and almost of their own accord when you're not stretching for them, though that's not to say you don't still have to put in a lot of work to shape them afterwards. But there's a lot to be said for being open and ready for the moment when your subconscious dredges up something good. The best example of this for me was when I was still an active songwriter. Back then, only the moments that surprised me that felt worth pursuing. While I could churn out a basic song with a beginning...

Today's the first day this week that I haven't set myself the task of editing one Glyn's and my podcasts, though I've still got one to do to clear the way for the others ahead. While I'm pleased to be recording them, I can't shake the background noise of "Why am I doing this?" in my head. "What's the point?" and "It's not like they'll bring in any money" also jostle for attention in my subconscious. I know it's all part and parcel of bridging the gap to Mostly Comedy being a going concern as opposed to just a growing one, but it's another example of putting in far more work than the money I can take out. And more importantly, I want my career to move on , after years of relentless self-generating without the support of the right agent; being honest, I haven't had good representation since my first agent retired in 2004ish. Even the nature of the interviews themselves can serve to remind me I'm no...